It Should Come Naturally

Hey good morning all.  So, the latest on my prodigal’s situation.  I was just settling at work yesterday when he called me.  He needed my opinion on something regarding the live-in ex.

He had just come back from dropping off her little son at daycare.  That alone, in my humble opinion, shows a great deal of maturity and decency.  Anyway, he has gotten to know some of the daycare providers pretty well and one in particular often chats him up regarding the little guy.

My son, (let’s call him “A” moving forward) let the daycare provider know the he and the boy’s mother were parting ways and that at some point he will no longer be picking up/ dropping off the boy.

She told him he has shown so much kindness and seems to genuinely love the boy.  She went as far as to say that A has shown more interest and care than his actual mother and father.

The little tyke bounces back and forth to the great-grandmother’s and to the father’s and paternal grandmother’s on a regular basis. He is actually “home” only about three days a week, and is never home on the weekends with his mom. I can’t even imagine….

Anyhoo, daycare lady said that she just doesn’t understand the boy’s mother; she doesn’t seem excited when picking him up after a three or four day absence.

So, the million dollar question A had for me yesterday…He wanted to know if the love of a child was something that could grow on a mother or was it a “it’s either in you or it’s not” scenario.

My answer: See this pic below?  Twenty-six years ago, that was pretty much love at first sight for me.

This is what unconditional love looks like.

My heart hurts for him right now.  I know he is trying to find some type of redeeming hope for the type of mom she could be for any possibility of future children of his, but I think the writing is pretty much on the wall.

Having raised him as a single mom since he was two, trust me when I say I am in no means trying to vilify her.  I know how hard it can be and I know of the silent judgments and blanket assumptions some make.

It’s such a shame, this situation.  Things were good for the three of them for a while, but friends with bad influences got in the way.  That will be for another post though.

I wish I had a magic wand and could wave it over all of them and make this situation better and everyone gets a happy ending.  So hard, as a parent, to watch young adults learn some hard life lessons.  My prayer life has gotten amped up by quite a few notches of late! lol!

Have a great Friday, all.

How Will Things Turn Out?

It’s a question that keeps rolling around in my head on a continuous loop.  The prodigal came over for supper yesterday.  It can’t be easy for him; newly unemployed, still under the same roof with the now ex-girlfriend until he can find his own flat.  The waiting game..waiting to see what he can afford.  If he draws the maximum of unemployment insurance, he can afford something small but cute.  If he doesn’t, his options are limited until he starts work again in March.

I’m so glad that he draws near to family in times of trouble.  We are a clan that sticks together through thick and thin.

Instead of coming up with a plan A,B,C,D…etc, I just let him vent and go over the what ifs and the what could have beens.  All the while I was cooking one of his favorite dishes and listening quietly and interjecting supportive comments.

I was happy to see him actually getting excited about getting his own place.  He seems to be tapping into his creative side and I can see that will be expressed by way of how he chooses to decorate his upcoming new digs.    I’m excited for him.  I can feel that good things are coming his way.

My heart breaks for him, but I have to remind myself that we have all been there at some point in our lives and have lived to tell the tale.  It’s all part of growing up.  We can chose to either dwell in a place of darkness or chose to dust ourselves off and start again in a new direction.  That’s the only way a person grows and matures.

So, stay with me on this.  Any words of support/encouragement/advice will be welcomed.  Do any of you have grown children that have been through a tough patch?  How, as a parent, did you keep your worries at arm’s length?

Have a great day all.

 

 

The Gift of Laughter

Hello all. Well, 2017 is going out with a bang for my little family. My beloved prodigal has called it quits with his live in girlfriend and is now looking for a flat of his own.

Regardless of the fact that my son is almost 26 years of age, I still worry about him. I can’t help it; a mom’s heart will beat in my chest until I draw my last breath.  Who are we fooling?  I’ll probably find a way to worry in the after life as well!

I thought I would be a more nervous wreck version of what I already am, but for some reason, I’m not..so far.  Something inside of me is saying it will all turn out just fine and he will get through this.

How do I know?  We were able to laugh and giggle yesterday while munching on pizza and watching a comedy in between snippets of conversation and musings.

He has matured by leaps and bounds in the past year or so.  He is also more even tempered since taking meds for ADHD.  It has helped him to be so much more eloquent in speech and thought. Gosh, I wish we would have known this when he was back in high school.  Those years could have been so different for him and for myself.

So I suppose you’re wondering why they broke up?  Well, even if you’re not, I’m giving you a condensed version of the spiel.

He has come to the conclusion that they do not share the same values in life.  He works hard, has goals for a family and kids and a house.  She has goals to go out and drink to all hours with her friends.  A couple months ago she thought cocaine was a good idea.  I don’t think it was her intention; her friends have a heavy influence on her.

Did I mention she has a little four year old son that is more often than not passed on to his great grandmother?

He is a bit of a minimalist and likes a clean/tidy place.  She leaves shit aaaaalll over the place.  I’ve been there, I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

He has been telling her that her little son probably is on the autistic spectrum. She has been in denial.  Fortunately though, after some pushing, the little one was finally taken to the pediatrician and the doc agrees there is something not quite right.  Testing with psychologists to follow.  Or not.  My heart sinks when I think of him most probably getting lost in the cracks now that the responsibility of doing the right thing will be left solely to her.

I know, I know, I sound like a mother who thinks her son is perfect.  I’m really not implying that at all.  Nor am I trying to vilify the now ex-girlfriend.  I honestly feel bad for her because she just doesn’t seem to get it. I feel even worse for her son.

My son will be ok. The timing of all this sucks; a couple days before Christmas, he is a mason by trade and is now newly unemployed until March when they start up again. He will now be looking for a new flat based on what little money he will have coming in.

I am proud of him for not settling.  I am proud of him for having walked away from this messy situation when he recognized that the two of them were just not compatible on some very important levels. I am proud of him for being a little scared but doing it anyway. I am proud of him for taking the high road and discussing things with her and coming to what seems to be an amicable split.

Our family is very close knit. We are always there for each other. I guess all those frustrating conversations and discipline and trying to teach him the right way have paid off.  He acted decently and is continuing to do so up until he moves out.

So, bye bye 2017.  Please usher in a kinder gentler 2018 for him and for anyone else having a hard time of things.

Just remember, laughter really is the best medicine.  If you can laugh and share a smile with someone, despite what you’re troubles are, you will most certainly be ok.  Tomorrow is another day.

Be Careful What Your Wish For

It was the literal calm before the storm. I haven’t been writing or keeping up with my fave blogs lately.  My intention was/is not to give it up.  I was just taking some time to sort through this funk I’ve been in.  Last night I seemed to have finally come out of it as I was sitting on my back balcony, doing an on-line class from UBC called The Science of Happiness.

Angus and Pacino, (my kitties) were at my feet, the crickets were chirping in the background.  I took a minute to listen and look around.  I was in my element, learning something new.  I said out loud “Thank you, God.”

I have been praying lately that the loneliness inside would go away.  That I find a sense of purpose and contentment once more.  I even asked if He had forgotten about me.  Could He please send a little excitement my way?

Apparently, I should have been WAY more specific with the type of excitement I had ordered.  Thirty minutes later my phone rang and it was my beloved prodigal, asking if he could move back home.

Seriously, God?  This is your idea of a joke, right? Or maybe a lesson for me to shut my big yap when there is an absence of drama and to enjoy the peace that no so long ago I had been praying for night and day. Point taken.

Aaaanyhoooo….seems that the honeymoon stage is over for the couple that moved in together way too fast.  Hey, I love my kid.  I also love him enough to not sugar coat some of his decisions.

So what’s the issue with my son and his gal pal?  By the looks of it, he wants to settle down and she is still the party girl.  She works odd hours, so they are never really together all that much.  She finishes work at about 10pm, and apparently has taken to hitting the bars with her friends afterwards and crawling in at the wee hours.

Did I mention she has a four year old child? So not only does my son work in masonry and restorations, he is also a glorified manny (male version of nanny).

I’m minding my business and am being a sounding board for my son.  In my head though, I’d love to shake little run around Sue like a rag doll.  Maybe throw in a smack up side her head, too.

You’ve got a four year old at home, dumbass.  In case you forgot, you’ve got a pretty decent guy too.  He’s gainfully employed, doesn’t run around, loves you, your kid loves him.  Wake the fuck up!

I’m not sure what is going to happen.  Hopefully they will be able to resolve their differences and be on the same page moving forward.  Or at least be able to finish the term on their lease in an amicable way.

Never a dull moment.

The Nest is Almost Empty

Yep, the prodigal will be leaving the nest once more.  I have mixed feelings about it.  Last time he left I felt a great sadness wash over me.  His departure came on the heels of argument.  He was still in school, had a part time job that paid a pittance, and he moved in with his then high school sweetheart and her parents.

Do not get me started on how NOT on board I was with this.  In my mind, this was not how you are supposed to start off your life.  As a parent, it embarrassed me that my son was living there, rent free, with 24/7 access to their daughter.  These folks barely scratched out a living for themselves and now they had an additional mouth to feed.

As predicted, it did not work out.  No too long after he moved there, he started nit picking at little things and complaining.  Their relationship came to an end and since he was still in school and broke, he returned to the nest in November of 2016.

He finished school, worked through his depression and feelings of isolation and started feeling better.  True to form, within about two months, things started turning sour here.  I won’t bore you with the details again, but it can be found in a previous post.

So, take off part 2, is on the horizon in a couple days.  He will be moving out with is new-ish girlfriend and her little son.  This time, I’m not feeling sad.  As much as I love him, I have come to realize that my one and only beloved son is a person with a difficult disposition.  In his mind, every cruel word and feeling of entitlement is justified and deserved.

In a way, some bridges have started to burn between the two of us.  My need for kindness and peace has begun to outweigh family ties. I love him dearly, warts and all. That will never change.  I am just too tired to continue to try to show him how his actions not only hurt others, but himself as well.  The day of live and let live is upon us.

So, I’m releasing him out into the world, wishing him the very best.  He will remain in my prayers, but my days of constant worrying are over. I have to trust that I’ve given him the tools to survive out there and allow him to learn by his mistakes and to grow independently as an adult.

He has hinted a couple times here and there that he needs this, that, or the other thing for his upcoming move.  Once upon a time I would have jumped in and saved the day.  No more.  Now I’m offering suggestions or simply saying nothing.  My job is done.  I know I have been a good parent, even if he does not think so or find fault in every little thing.  I could not have loved more than I have.

It’s a good thing parenting does not come with a manual, folks. If so, I think many of us would have stopped populating the world.  It is a SCARY ride at times with no guarantee of what the outcome will be.  All we can do as parents is do our jobs with love….and a steady supply of wine and/or chocolate!

Stay tuned for more news on the flight of the prodigal.