Be Careful What Your Wish For

It was the literal calm before the storm. I haven’t been writing or keeping up with my fave blogs lately.  My intention was/is not to give it up.  I was just taking some time to sort through this funk I’ve been in.  Last night I seemed to have finally come out of it as I was sitting on my back balcony, doing an on-line class from UBC called The Science of Happiness.

Angus and Pacino, (my kitties) were at my feet, the crickets were chirping in the background.  I took a minute to listen and look around.  I was in my element, learning something new.  I said out loud “Thank you, God.”

I have been praying lately that the loneliness inside would go away.  That I find a sense of purpose and contentment once more.  I even asked if He had forgotten about me.  Could He please send a little excitement my way?

Apparently, I should have been WAY more specific with the type of excitement I had ordered.  Thirty minutes later my phone rang and it was my beloved prodigal, asking if he could move back home.

Seriously, God?  This is your idea of a joke, right? Or maybe a lesson for me to shut my big yap when there is an absence of drama and to enjoy the peace that no so long ago I had been praying for night and day. Point taken.

Aaaanyhoooo….seems that the honeymoon stage is over for the couple that moved in together way too fast.  Hey, I love my kid.  I also love him enough to not sugar coat some of his decisions.

So what’s the issue with my son and his gal pal?  By the looks of it, he wants to settle down and she is still the party girl.  She works odd hours, so they are never really together all that much.  She finishes work at about 10pm, and apparently has taken to hitting the bars with her friends afterwards and crawling in at the wee hours.

Did I mention she has a four year old child? So not only does my son work in masonry and restorations, he is also a glorified manny (male version of nanny).

I’m minding my business and am being a sounding board for my son.  In my head though, I’d love to shake little run around Sue like a rag doll.  Maybe throw in a smack up side her head, too.

You’ve got a four year old at home, dumbass.  In case you forgot, you’ve got a pretty decent guy too.  He’s gainfully employed, doesn’t run around, loves you, your kid loves him.  Wake the fuck up!

I’m not sure what is going to happen.  Hopefully they will be able to resolve their differences and be on the same page moving forward.  Or at least be able to finish the term on their lease in an amicable way.

Never a dull moment.

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The Nest is Almost Empty

Yep, the prodigal will be leaving the nest once more.  I have mixed feelings about it.  Last time he left I felt a great sadness wash over me.  His departure came on the heels of argument.  He was still in school, had a part time job that paid a pittance, and he moved in with his then high school sweetheart and her parents.

Do not get me started on how NOT on board I was with this.  In my mind, this was not how you are supposed to start off your life.  As a parent, it embarrassed me that my son was living there, rent free, with 24/7 access to their daughter.  These folks barely scratched out a living for themselves and now they had an additional mouth to feed.

As predicted, it did not work out.  No too long after he moved there, he started nit picking at little things and complaining.  Their relationship came to an end and since he was still in school and broke, he returned to the nest in November of 2016.

He finished school, worked through his depression and feelings of isolation and started feeling better.  True to form, within about two months, things started turning sour here.  I won’t bore you with the details again, but it can be found in a previous post.

So, take off part 2, is on the horizon in a couple days.  He will be moving out with is new-ish girlfriend and her little son.  This time, I’m not feeling sad.  As much as I love him, I have come to realize that my one and only beloved son is a person with a difficult disposition.  In his mind, every cruel word and feeling of entitlement is justified and deserved.

In a way, some bridges have started to burn between the two of us.  My need for kindness and peace has begun to outweigh family ties. I love him dearly, warts and all. That will never change.  I am just too tired to continue to try to show him how his actions not only hurt others, but himself as well.  The day of live and let live is upon us.

So, I’m releasing him out into the world, wishing him the very best.  He will remain in my prayers, but my days of constant worrying are over. I have to trust that I’ve given him the tools to survive out there and allow him to learn by his mistakes and to grow independently as an adult.

He has hinted a couple times here and there that he needs this, that, or the other thing for his upcoming move.  Once upon a time I would have jumped in and saved the day.  No more.  Now I’m offering suggestions or simply saying nothing.  My job is done.  I know I have been a good parent, even if he does not think so or find fault in every little thing.  I could not have loved more than I have.

It’s a good thing parenting does not come with a manual, folks. If so, I think many of us would have stopped populating the world.  It is a SCARY ride at times with no guarantee of what the outcome will be.  All we can do as parents is do our jobs with love….and a steady supply of wine and/or chocolate!

Stay tuned for more news on the flight of the prodigal.