01 January 2021

The first day of the new year. It started off kind of odd. First, my bladder decided it was time to make a trip to the loo at 4:30 a.m. Ugh. Then, at about 5:30 a.m., my phone pinged as a new text message came in. I’m from the era when anything after 9 p.m. or before 10 a.m. automatically means someone is either in the emergency room or needs bail money.

I looked at my phone. Wrong and Wrong. It was a happy new year greeting. It was from someone I had briefly chatted with in an online dating site. He asked if we could chat by text and gave me his cell number. I text him the next day. He never answered. Instead, he texts me at 5:30 a.m. four days later. Great first impression. Think I’ll pass.

Then, at 10:20 a.m., I got another text wishing me a happy new year. I didn’t recognize the number. Turns out it was from a guy I had a date with once this Summer and after one too many long drawn out phone calls….I ghosted him. I know, I know. It was a douchebag move on my part. He is super nice and not too bad looking, but just not sure enough of himself and I was afraid he would become clingy. I swear, sometimes I have to check in my drawers to make sure I’m really a woman because at times I act like one of those guys your momma warned you about.

It was nice to hear from him and he suggested meeting for coffee at some point. I said sure why not. He followed up immediately by telling me he is off to Three Rivers and will be back next week and will touch base to set up a day and time to meet.

Woah, slow down. You gotta wonder why a guy would come back for more punishment. Did he forget I ghosted him? Not only that, but when I first chatted with him, I had told him that I had already made a connection with someone else and wanted to see if there was any potential . He wished me well and to not hesitate to get back to him if it didn’t work out. I thought that was an incredibly mature thing to say. Or was it?

You know what’s funny about all of this? I woke up this morning, ready to start the year with new goals and to focus on me and my personal growth. The minute I put that intention out there, these texts come in, left right and center.

The best part of today was when my son came over. I prepared a big new year’s day breakfast of pancakes, bacon, frittata and orange juice. We talked for hours and then I introduced him to a free online learning platform I had mentioned a couple times here and there. We had a look at it together and he was all fired up about it. We created his account and now he has goals over the Winter season he wants to pursue. Makes my heart swell with happiness for him.

Thanks for stopping by. See you tomorrow.

Project 2021

Hey Peeps and Peep-ettes! Happy new year!! Oh man, does it ever feel great to have put 2020 behind us. Not that anything has really changed with respect to where the world is at with Covid-19. We are still in the throes of a world wide pandemic. We are still watching the train wreck that is outgoing president of the Unites States do what he does best – create drama. We are still watching systemic racism make headlines every day.

The year 2020 has indeed been a very strange one. It’s like the world had been experiencing birthing pains – a long, hard labor, with no epidural in sight. I am hopeful though, that this painful travail will result in positive change and ease in adapting to a new world.

I know that my little world has undergone so many changes and the stress has been too much. I ended the year on a short term sick leave. My mind and soul were crushed. My sense of security robbed. My realization, once more, that life is not fair and there is no such thing as control or a promise that things will always be good and that we will always be safe. I say once more, because the first time I was introduced to this feeling was when I was 16 and my father passed away from lung cancer.

Did you make the most of this time of self isolation? Or did you keep yourself so busy that you did not really notice the bigger picture of the global changes as they unfolded? I know I didn’t make the most of this time at all. I feel like I’ve been on “pause” since March 2020 with my mind always in a fog.

This morning felt different, though. I woke up and had an epiphany as to what I want to focus on this year. That being said, I’m officially launching what I call Project 2021. I will be posting content every. single. day. until 01 January 2022. I can’t promise it will always be incredibly interesting, but if you feel like indulging your inner snoop, my entries will be like reading someone’s personal journal.

That being said, the adventure begins!

Wishing you all a very blessed and happy new year filled with health, prosperity and love.

Chrissie B

It’s Official, I’ve Hit A Wall

Hola Peeps and Peep-ettes. Well, it has finally happened. Yours truly has hit a wall. Not literally, but figuratively speaking. My mental health took a nose dive and I am officially on sick leave and slated to return to work on 04 January 2021.

To say that 2020 has been life altering is probably the biggest understatement of a lifetime. I know I’m not the only one who this has affected. All things considered, I have had it easy-ish compared to some. I didn’t lose my job and bought my first home by myself.

So what’s the problem? I am not sure, exactly. I think it’s a combination of a lot of things over many years and now that we are in isolation mode, it has all resurfaced.

Other things that have contributed to the breakdown were the move. It was physically and mentally difficult, with little help. I was also constantly second guessing myself if purchasing alone was a smart move. The location was also a bit of a nail biter. I moved back to the suburbs near where I grew up. The place I swore I’d never return to.

Work – the uncertainty of whether or not I would still have a job in 2021 due to the acquisition last year has been looming in the back of my mind. Also, my boss rides a broomstick on any given day. She can be so curt and rude in her email messages. I have always felt she does not like really like me all that much. She keeps me pretty much isolated and I only hear from her when she has something to criticize me about. Communication in that place is so spotty and honestly, it’s pretty disorganized.

I didn’t realize how bad I was feeling until I started feeling better. My anxiety was off the charts. I’d basically wake up each morning, march right to the bathroom and dry heave before starting my day. Then there was the IBS. I was a mess. I lost 5 pounds in a week, wasn’t sleeping and was sinking deeper into a depressed state of mind. I lost interest in all things that used to give me joy. The fact that we are in round 2 of the lockdown didn’t help. Can’t go to the gym, can’t have people over, can’t go out to dinner, can’t go out for a coffee.

Those stupid masks…God I hate them. They freak me out after a while. I feel like I’m living in some strange George Orwell nightmare.

I am looking forward to going back to work and being productive again. I do worry that my boss will give me a hard time, though. I just wish we were all back at the office where we can just walk down the hall to ask a question and see our colleagues face to face once more.

Brighter news…..the vaccine has arrived in Montreal last night I really hope it bring a sooner rather than later end to this pandemic.

Fingers crossed.

It’s Not Going To Work Out Between Us And Here’s Why. Scenario #4.

Johnnie. Need I say more? A grown man calling himself Johnnie. I asked if that was his online name or if I should call him John or Johnathan. Nope and Nope.

He was a guy that had rugged good looks and seemed smart enough. We met on Tinder. Yikes, I know, right? What was I thinking? I wasn’t. I took my now ex best friend’s advice. “Isn’t that a hook up site?”, I asked. “No, no, it has changed”.

No, no it hasn’t. We planned to meet and spend the afternoon outdoors and just walk around the mega shopping complex out here.

You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? I should have listened to my gut. When he got out of his car, he came right up to me and planted a kiss right on my mouth and was pulling me in waaaay to close.

Johnnie was an IT guy, but I think deep down what he really wanted to be is a hairdresser. Correction a hair-messer. He had his hands in my hair almost the entire time we were together. My hair got really long during the first wave of the pandemic and I’ll admit, it was pretty when I took the time to straighten it. I know guys have this thing with a woman’s locks, but when you don’t know someone, you shouldn’t keep playing in it every other minute. It’s just too familiar. That’s something someone you have a connection will do.

Which is kind of ridiculous of me to say, because I also spent time playing tonsil hockey with him. So, my priorities were kind of messed up, wouldn’t you say? Don’t touch my hair, but feel free to stick your tongue down my throat, dear stranger, during a pandemic. What the hell was wrong with me?

This is not usually how I behave. This pandemic, it’s gotten the best of me. I can only chalk it up to feeling lonely and scared and trying to find my “normal” in all of this .

I think he thought I was going to change my mind and cave, but I didn’t. I think that for a brief moment he actually was pleased that I hadn’t. He called me that same evening to say hello and how much he liked me. We made plans to see each other the following week when he came back from his business trip in Toronto.

He had sent me a text from his Toronto hotel room…in a towel. I complimented him because….I think that’s what I was supposed to do? LOL! Maybe he was waiting for me to return the favor, but I didn’t.

Needless to say, the weekend came and went and I never heard from him.

Oh well. Was I surprised? No. Was I a little dissapointed? Kinda.

Next!

People Suck And Here’s Why.

Disclaimer…not ALL people suck, but a lot of them do.

I was working from the office yesterday and noticed my note pad was on its last leg, there were only a couple pages left. So, I sent the receptionist an email asking for a new one.

Here was her oh so pleasant reply. “They are in the second drawer where the paper is located. Get up and walk there!”.

Well, how rude. I thought stationary was kept under lock and key, whack-job.

Which begs the question….what the fuck is wrong with people? What good came of that response?

Let’s be clear, I NEVER expect anyone to serve me hand and foot. I also very seldom ask for anything. That’s the part that I found most insulting.

I wrote back “Wow….sorry! I thought stationary was under lock and key”.

She tried to back pedal but it was too late. I’m not going to hold a grudge, but I’ve always been hyper sensitive to rudeness. It’s uncalled for and it makes for an uncomfortable exchange moving forward. Is it so hard to be nice?

As a rule, I think I’m just going to keep more to myself when it comes to the office environment. I’m tired of dealing with egos and rudeness. The game is getting old and I’m starting to dream of the day I can retire.

Have a good Friday y’all!

Happy Thanksgiving

Hello peeps and peepettes! For those of you who don’t live in the great white north, it is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canuk land a.k.a. Canada.

This year will look very different than usual due to Covid-19. We usually gather at my home and I prepare a big meal for my family. Unfortunately, our premiere, Francois Legault, has banned social gatherings in an attempt to crush the second wave we are currently going through.

In all honestly, I did not mind so much. It’s been years since I’ve actually gotten to just relax on a long weekend. I’m always the one who is the tradition keeper in my family.

My son did come over, though, without his live in girlfriend. We ordered pizza and binge watched episodes of Ink Master. We didn’t chat much, but it was nice to be in each other’s company. It reminded me of when he was little and still living at home. We loved our Sunday nights. Our regular routine was to order take out and just watch T.V.

It was especially comforting for me to have another person in the house. Since this pandemic hit, I’ve been feeling lonely and having one existential crisis after another. I count my blessings that neither my immediate family nor I have contracted this virus but this needs to be over. I want my life back and my joie de vivre.

If you’re celebrating, hope you have a great weekend and stay safe!

It’s Not Going To Work Out Between Us And Here’s Why. Scenario #3.

I nearly forgot about this one. That’s how dull and predictable he was. I honestly don’t remember his name, but we will just call him the Accountant. At least I think that’s what he was. Gosh, I just don’t recall.

I think we met through the FB dating app. He had ONE picture. Ugh..never a good sign. He was of Moroccan descent. Another strike. Nothing against them personally, but it’s a culture I just can’t seem to jibe with.

He seemed nice enough, but was so terrified of leaving his house due to the Covid-19 pandemic. He wanted to wait until it was over before we meet. Dude, this could take a while. What the heck, I went along with it. I could probably have gone along with the waiting except that he was boring me to tears. He never really had anything to say. He would just do his check in call every couple of days, at the same time, and say the same things. Oh and he doesn’t like spending a lot of time on the phone.

Seriously why bother, you’re a freaking snooze fest anyway. The last time I spoke to him, I had a migraine and said I had to let him go. He was all too happy to get off the phone. “Get some rest, feel better soon, I’ll call you another day”. Ugh. Please don’t.

So he did call “another day”. Same day, same time. I didn’t answer. At the risk of sounding like a total jerk, I ghosted him. To all the men who I have criticized for doing this; I get it. You just don’t have anything emotionally invested and feel it’s probably kinder to do so. It’s not, but I just wanted to say I get it.

It’s Not Going To Work Out Between Us And Here’s Why. Scenario #2.

Hola! Let’s continue the dating saga, shall we?

Bachelor #2 had contacted me through FB dating app.  His profile pic had caught my eye;  he was wearing a nice suit, shaved head and neatly trimmed beard.  He looked like a baller. He lived close-ish in his own condo.  He seemed to have it all together.  I was intrigued and wanted to meet him.  He was familiar with the area I had just move to and had offered to show me around and give me pointers to the best spots for drinks and dinner.

We had a great phone conversation, but I was still was trying to figure out if Bachelor #1 (aka the jailbird was worth the time it takes to bake a cake with a file in it from scratch or go for store bought. So, I was honest with him and told him I wanted to see it would yield any results.  He was super cool with it. Wished me luck, have fun, and if it doesn’t work out, to reach out to him again. Wow.  How nice!

When I realized that the jailbird was a hot mess, I called back Bachelor #2. I’m going to call him Sammy. Not because that’s his name, but because he had the sex appeal of a ham sandwich.  Not that I’m dissing ham sandwiches.  If you get that nice Black Forest ham, with some dijon mustard and maybe a poppyseed bun, you’ve got my attention with a side of…oh..erhm, sorry.  I digress.

We set up a time and place to meet and I was pleasantly surprised.  He looked as nice in person as in his pics.  We went for a walk and then sat on a park bench and chatted. 

I felt there was some potential there, but there wasn’t that big spark I’m constantly looking for. What the heck, I’ll give it a try anyway and see what happens.

The thing about Sammy is that he called and texted me….a lot.  I don’t know about you, but I just don’t have all that much to say that warrants two phone calls a day for up to an hour at a time. 

He also would end his requests with “if you want”, or open with “Do you think we can…”. Ugh.  Wimpy.  It would go something like this “Do you think you would have time to go for a walk and chat?” , or “I’m totally free all week, we can do something….if you want”.  

Ok, so I knew that men of Indian descent are not know for their game, but this guy was so not game-ish that it felt like I was doing him a favor by merely acknowledging his presence. It was a turn-off. 

Flash forward a couple day and I was having really bad back pain.  I’m not sure what I did, but I was out of commission to go on walks anywhere.  I could barely sit up.  Lying down was the only thing that gave me relief.  

Sammy kept texting and giving me advice about going to the doctor, take a warm bath, get a heating pad…..try this or that.  I felt like I was talking to my mother.  

Then he changed his tactic.  When he wasn’t hearing back from me, he offered to come over and give me a massage….

Wow, how subtle.  Think I’ll pass.  Do women really fall for this?  Why would I want a total stranger put his mitts all over me.  Ugh.

Aaaand that’s when I ghosted him.  I fully acknowledge it was a dirtbag move on my part.  That last text was just too awkward and creepy.  Besides, I took massage therapy courses years ago.  It has made me highly critical of what constitutes a good massage and a shoddy one. 

Next!

It’s Not Going To Work Out Between Us And Here’s Why. Scenario 1.

So, as if 2020 hasn’t been enough of a shit show, yours truly has been pretty much actively dating her way through this cluster-fuck pandemic.

I haven’t had this many outdoor play dates since the 3rd grade.  Yes, I’m being careful-ish. Except for the time I was not….

Geez, Where do I begin? More importantly, why on earth would I date during a pandemic. Because why the hell not.  I figured this is a time when I will see people for who they really are.

You know that old saying “careful what you wish for”…..hooboy…

Let’s start with the first one.  We’ll call him “jailbird”, partly for shits ‘n giggles, but mostly because it’s the freaking truth.

We met online and were texting and IM’ing back and for for about 2 weeks. He was a blue collar type, well, not really.  More like a work horse in a shit job with a matching salary.  What the heck, at least he is working, right?

When I got there, I parked my car in a lot and as my fingers were hovering over the parking pay station, I was trying to decide…hmm…15 minutes….30 minutes.  I know the drill by now, these meet and greets are usually a reminder that I could be sitting at home on my deck sipping a cold one and reading a good book. This time though, I figured, Meh, what the hell.  I hit “max” and thought whomever shows up here after I leave just got freebie parking.  You’re welcome,

Surprisingly, things went really well.  He was charming, good conversationalist, interesting chemistry.  It was the best first date I’ve had in a while.

He said he was in the military when he was younger.  He also said that he had been “inside”.  Oh.  Apparently he found out the son of a former girlfriend had abused his then six year old son.  Long story short, he was arrested for beating the tar out of the guy.  Not ideal, but as a parent, I can totally understand.  God help anyone who would have dared touch my child inappropriately.

He had biked to our meeting spot straight from work and had a backpack with him.  He pulled an extra t-shirt out of it, sprayed it with his cologne and gave it to me so that I could hang on to it until I see him next.  Kinda corny but cute, right?

So the next time I saw him, I had to go pick him up because….well….his bike is his only means of transportation.  Uhm…what?  I can understand living in the city, but we’re in the ‘burbs, folks.  Crap, looks like I’m doing all the driving.  What a drag.

He gave me some story about having an operation on his arm when overseas and now the Canadian version of the DMV will not issue him a driver’s license unless he has a specialized steering wheel in his non-existent car.  Sorry, what was that?  I was distracted by the red flags that were starting to pop up in my peripheral vision.

I digress.  When I got to the address he gave me, it took him forever to come out.  I was about to drive back home when I see him walking towards my car from down the street. WTF?  He saw the look on my face and explained it away by saying he was at a friend’s house down the street.

As we were pulling away, he says, and I quote “Oh, did I tell you I’m still on probation?”

WHAAAAAATTT????!!!!

I pulled the car over to the side of the road and just stared at him.  He had a shit eating grin on his face and gestured for me to keep driving.  Woah woah woah.

Apparently he still has one year to go and then he’s free!

How the fuck did this slip his mind when we met earlier this week?  I assumed this arrest was from many many many years ago.  After all, his son is 24 now and this happened when he was six years of age.

Oh boy.  I had a sinking feeling that I was getting a very watered down version of what the deal really was.

So what did I do?  I acted like nothing happened.  Why?  I have no idea.  I was paralyzed with fear.  He asked me to stop at the drugstore on our way.  I waited for him in the parking lot, catatonic.  My gut was screaming “Drive like the wind, asshole, and get out of there!”  Instead, the polite Canadian in me stayed, because he was so sweet and gentle when we met.

I know, I’m an idiot, no need to remind me.  All that was racing through my head was “so this is how I’m going to die”.

I also learned that at one point he went “off the grid”and was living in a container.  Oh, is that what we are calling running from the law now? These are assumptions on my part, but I’m pretty sure I’m not far off the mark.  I know of a friend’s daughter and her boyfriend did that for a while, so it did not scare me off.

I called things off.  Probably not as quickly as I should have, but I called them off nevertheless.   I did my best to be open minded, but with each passing day, he would serve up another little nugget of his train wreck of a life.

How can it get worse?  In the span of two weeks;

  • he got fired.
  • he got notice that his “bitch” parole officer falsely claimed he missing a meeting and he is now in violation. He might have to finish his sentence on the inside.
  • he can’t use his friend as witness that he did not miss his meeting because surprise surprise, he has a criminal record too.
  • he all of a sudden had to move, actually rent a room because he can’t sign a lease. No I did not ask why because I’m really not sure how much more I can handle hearing before someone has to call the medics to resuscitate me.

What the living hell was I thinking?  I am chalking it up to pandemic isolation brain.  Have I gotten so desperate for company that I would seriously entertain having this clown in my life?  I guess I was.  Thank God, I listened to my gut, which would churn and I would start physically gagging each time I received a text from him.

Besides, I don’t know how to bake a cake with a file in it, and conjugal visits just aren’t my thing.

Next!

 

Hey Shawty It’s Your Birthday

Hola Peeps and Peep-ettes! This week I celebrated my 55th year on this earth. Wow, 55…where has the time gone?  I can hardly believe that number. I had to double check on my driver’s license to make sure I got it right.

On my birthday, I like to steal away and carve out some me-centered, selfish, indulgent time all to myself.  I don’t need to be surrounded by tons of people.  Even if I needed that, I highly doubt that many people would turn up.

I went shopping for a little birthday bling and then spent a couple days at the day spa.  When I told the receptionist at what my plans were, she felt sorry for me.  I was like….huh? Why?  She said that it’s not right to spend it alone.  Au contraire, my friend. I choose to celebrate me all on my own.  It feels amazing!

The way I look at it is this way; I have a couple of really good close friends who always send me birthday greetings or take me out for a meal.  I appreciate it but never take it as a given that people will spend their time with me just because my mother popped me out on this day 55 years ago.

So this is me, 55 years young.  This year will not soon be forgotten.  2020….bizarre, heartbreaking, depressing, frightening.  So much has happened.  I’ve lost a childhood friendship over a man she barely knows. My prodigal has been giving me a hard time. My mother has bailed on me to spend time with my half sister on my birthday. Don’t ask…

I’m still standing, a little battered, but I’m still here.  These are crazy times and I’m all of a sudden more sensitive than usual, I feel vulnerable for the first time in my life.  This all sucks, this 2020 year of the pandemic, doesn’t it?

So, this is what 55 looks like.  I’m ok with it so far.  Will I still be ok with what I see in the mirror on my 65th birthday?  Some days I wonder what the future holds for me. Am I ever going to meet someone or will I end my days alone?  What will I do when I finally retire?

55

I have to admit, getting older scares me.  There are days when I feel exhausted from the smallest effort.  Is it age?  Or is it just mental fatigue caused by this never ending pandemic?  I just want my life back.  I mean, I’m grateful for all I have and that I am still working, but I miss people.  I miss the freedom we all took for granted not too long ago.

Apparently the second wave is a sure thing.  I cannot imagine what that will look like this Winter.

All I can do is take it one day at a time and make the best of each day, right?