Weigh-in 182.2

Hello hello!  Just a couple quick updates.  The numbers are slowly starting to go down again on the scale.

The Running Room Learn to Run Clinic is going surprising well.  Last night we started six reps of running for two minutes and walking for one minute.  I actually survived!  I have found that that way to not hyper focus and then hyperventilate is to concentrate not on my breath, but on the sound our feet make when we hit pavement. Hey, whatever works..

Although no great weight loss (what else is new?), I have noticed I’m trimming down.  My squishy midsection is actually starting to look a little toned.

I feel so incredibly relaxed after a run. I can understand why people get addicted to this.

This little tidbit, I’m not proud to announce, but I have decided to start taking my happy pills once more.  My doc will not be thrilled; on paper my life is pretty good.  However, in my head, not so much lately.  My decision came after I rushed home in the middle of the pastor’s sermon at church, convinced I had forgotten to turn off one of the burners on the stove (turns out I did not), and having put the milk carton away…in the pantry.

Yup.  My focus has been less than stellar and the loneliness was starting to turn into depression.  My son has suggested that I might be ADHD.  His therapist (don’t judge, I’m super proud of him that he is talking to someone about what is troubling him) told him that ADHD is often passed down from a parent.  I think they might be on to something.  My mom, bless her soul, is not the brightest tool in the shed and there are quite a few of my uncles and aunts that have a facial tic.  I always just brushed it off as nervousness, but maybe it really is a neurological thing.

Now, after just one day of back on anti-anxiety meds, I feel so calm and less jittery.  My brain is happily swimming in a sea of serotonin.  I think it’s doing a nice backstroke in there.  Paxil, I love you and hate you at the same time.

So, I’m doing what I need to do to be happy and take care of myself.  The world is a much less scary place when I’m medicated. Probably less scary for those around me too, lol!

Have a great day, all.

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Gesundheit

So I had this random flurry of thoughts elbowing themselves to the forefront of my weird imagination while I was in the shower…are you confused yet? No? Walk with me..

As I was working up the suds in my day four of non washed hair (that is a mistake, people, trust me – never again), I decided to crack open the window in the bathroom.  I tend to take scalding hot shower and have literally had the paint peel off the walls in my last apartment due to a non window and cheap ceiling fan set up.

I knew it was going to happen, so I braced myself for it.  The sneeze.  The slightest variance in room temperature will set me off.  Actually, I think I’m going to start counting the number of times I sneeze in a day.

I could never play dead if a bear was chasing me.  The minute he would get near me to take a little sniff before mauling me, his scent would overwhelm my olefacotry receptors, then the inevitable would happen…aaaatchoo!  Thus rendering me to be Mr. Bear’s snack on the food chain, because bears like their food to be alive at first.  Only lazy slacker bears would nibble on human roadkill. Aaanyway…

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Exactly!

I also can’t “fake” I’m asleep.  The first thing that happens in the morning is..you guessed it, sneezing.  Not just one, either.  It’s three powerful sneezes, one after another.  My kitty, Pacino, races out of the room like a bat out of hell each time. He knows the routine to a “T”.  I start stirring into wakefulness, followed by a long inhale of air – then he bolts!

Here’s the thing, sneezes feel amazing!  Seriously, if I had to describe it, I would say they are the orgasms of the nose.  They are incredibly satisfying and invigorating. Are you with me? Cue the crickets..

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Point made. 

They can also be equally entertaining.  Have you ever tried to do it (sneezing – get your mind out of the gutter) with your eyes open?  Try it and take a video clip of it while you are. If that does not make you laugh, there’s something seriously wrong with you.

Or how about when you have to sneeze, but it just won’t happen.  See above reference to orgasms. You get it now, right??!!

By the way, as I’m writing this, someone outside is …sneezing.  Some people have no decency.

Goodbye Summer!

Labor day weekend.  It kind of snuck up on us.  Well, at least in this part of Canada.  We Canucks are still waiting for Summer to make an appearance.  I am sure we broke some type of rainfall record that might give India’s monsoons a run for their money.

We was robbed.

On the bright side though (Lord knows I try to take a peek there in every situation), my a/c was on only about two weeks total. No sweltering, sticky nights, no high humidity.  I’m trying here, folks, give me a hand…

So now September has arrived. She’s cool and crisp and sassy!  This air is delicious.  It makes me want to strap on my hiking boots and head for the mountains.  It offers up delicious red apples plucked right from the tree and baked into pies or loafs.

With it comes back to school for some.  Or maybe taking a class in the evening after work.

I woke up this morning so freaking happy.  Its a long weekend and I tacked on an extra day on Tuesday.  So what will I do with myself?  I’m heading out to Mont-Tremblant again for a day of hiking with an overnight stay.  Looking forward to the jacuzzi and a glass of wine and maybe some journaling and blog reading in the evening.

I got a great deal on a room in the main village. Thank you, Travelosity.

Being single can suck on long weekends.  That’s why I have vowed to fill them with a little something.

Funny how things work – when I saw the incredible deal online, I clicked right away….only to realize it is an over nighter from Monday to Tuesday. Well…crapsicles. Looks like I’m going alone.  Guess  I should have heeded the warning when my mouse hovered over the “are you sure you want this to be a non-refundable booking” message. Moron.

I thought of maybe inviting my mom. She would ski up there back in the day.  That’s where she and my dad met.  Yeah, I will invite mom.

Then that little voice in my head said…”Are you sure you want to do this?”  (refer to above ignoring of the warning).   Before you think I am the worst daughter in the world, let me tell you exactly how this scenario will play itself out.

On the drive up there:

Mom: BOY how far is this place anyway? Are we ever going to get there!?

Me: Almost there, mom.

Mom: (after being in the car for all of 20 minutes) Can we stop somewhere? I need to stretch my legs and have a cigarette.

Me: Fiiiine, but you are slowing us down.

Once we arrive:

Mom: It’s 12:01, I’m STARVING and need to eat.  I’ve been up since 5:00 a.m. I’m tired and want to relax.

I really wish I could do more things with my mom.  In my child’s mind, it always seems like a good idea.  In reality though, it is a frustrating and disappointing experience.  She is not very flexible with regards to her schedule.  Meal times are 6:00 am, 12:00pm and 5:00pm.  It’s really hard to plan an outing that way.

So, I will stop by her place today to visit, but I’m going away solo.

Have a great long weekend all!

 

Thank You, Friday

Friday could not come soon enough this week.  It’s like that white surrender flag in a week of battle with technology and irritating coworkers.

I had to call one of my managers to discuss something and she totally side tracked me and hijacked the topic of conversation and proceeded to bombard me with all of her questions for the issue she had to resolve.  This broad gets under my skin something fierce.  She’s this walking cloud of confusion and her nervous energy rankles me.

After thirty minutes of back and forth and oh and another thing, she remembers that I called her for a specific reason and says “oh I’m sorry, I sidetracked you.  Did you want to discuss the issue you’re having?”   Hell to the no.  I want to get rid of you as fast as I can because you have sucked what little energy I have left out of me and now I’m fearing my blood and internal organs are next.

I nearly lost my shit and walked out yesterday vowing never to return.  Then I remembered my debt load and thought better of it.

This is a first for me.  I’ve handled lots of stress over the years but now I just don’t have the stomach for it anymore.  I cringe as I say this because I think of the old adage, “be careful what you wish for”.

I would be hard pressed to find another job that matches the pay, pension, benefits and flexibility this one offers.

Still though, I feel like I’ve had it and at times start to question the whole shebang.  It kind of sucks that this is what life is about.  Truly we are slaves to the grind.  I wonder if people are truly happier once they retire and their time is their own.

I have a weirdo friend/acquaintance who has gone off the grid about a year ago.  I think I am starting to understand why.  However, living in an RV in Canada is not my idea of a dream come true.

Sigh…if I could have one wish, it would be to be a successful writer and make loads of money so that I would never have to step foot in an office again.  What do you think?  Just a pipe dream?

Have you ever felt like just walking away from the daily and starting fresh somewhere else?

Looking forward to the labor day weekend. Happy Friday all!

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Facebook is Passive Aggressive And We All Know It

Aaah Facebook.  What can I say about this snooper’s paradise that hasn’t already been said?  We all love it and hate it at the same time.

Sure, it has its good points. Wishing someone a happy birthday, happy anniversary, announcing the birth of a child, the passing of a loved one, sharing pics of our newest furry addition to the family, sharing recipes, positing holiday pics.  It’s all butterflies and rainbows, right?

Every rose, alas, has it’s thorns.  Here’s the stuff that bugs the ever lovin’ crap out of me on Facebook.

Stay at home moms that post one million times a day. It’s endearing that your little prodigy has learned to stuff peas up his nose, but you’re killing my news feed. Besides, shouldn’t you be paying attention to your kid?

New romances.  Watching two grown adults fuss and coo all over social media is nauseating.  It also smacks disingenuous.  Keep that stuff for yourselves, we aren’t in high school anymore and it makes it hard to take you seriously.

The post break up verbal diarrhea. I know you’re in pain and he/she probably was a world class arsehole. In a couple months though, you’re going to read your posts and realize you sounded a little unhinged and very Glenn Close-ish a la Fatal Attraction.

Last but not least, those stupid fracking chain letter type messages.  I just got one last night.  Here it is:

Close Friend Day

F*ck sakes.  Anybody who knows me well would know better than to send me this corny crap.  So now the pressure is on.  If I ignore it, I will out myself as the biggest a-hole on the planet.

You know what the funniest thing about this chain letter is?  The person who sent it to me spoke to me a total of two times in the past twelve months.  For real.  How does that make me a close friend?

To me, sending something like this is the equivalent of saying “I’m a big insecure wuss and I need to know how many people like me”.  Want to know if people like you?  Talk to them.  Spend time with them.  Don’t send this cringe worthy crap and expect an honest response.

I’d much prefer getting something like this

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This I can relate to.  It’s real.  It appeals to my sarcastic, dry sense of humour.

Sending me a virtual rose signals two things;

1 – you’re trying to get in my pants (I can barely fit in there myself let alone fit someone else in there, so sooorrry, not gonna happen)

2 – you have no clue who I am. (have we even actually met?)

We are grown ass women.  Let’s get real here, shall we?

I know I sound cynical, maybe I am . Would you in real up close and personal face to face time just bring me a rose for no reason?  I didn’t think so.

Happy Thursday, all!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Did It!

You know I was getting desperate for change/movement/company when…I join a running clinic.

Yup! I did it!  I joined Running Room’s Learn to Run Clinic.  We meet Mondays, Wednesdays and Sundays.  The test of my commitment will come on Sundays.  We meet at 8:30 a.m. Ugh..

I was super nervous all day.  What if I can’t keep up?  What if my feet and shins start to ache so bad that I can’t finish?  What if everyone there is super slim with long lean legs and I am the group Oompa Loompa?

Turns out, all that garbage that took so much place in my thoughts was just that…garbage. We are a small group of women, and everyone is of a different shape and size. No super model uber athletic chicks.  Just real people with a need to move and get social. These ladies are super nice and down to earth. I felt so comfortable with them.

So, that was my first experience with them.  I don’t want to speak too soon, but I think I might have found something that I can really enjoy and be devoted to.  There is something about running in a group that is uber motivating and empowering.  Hey, maybe after this clinic, I will sign up for the 5K clinic.  One day at a time!

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Oh yes, yes of COURSE those are my legs…bahahaha!

 

It’s Baaaaack

What comes to mind when you hear that phrase?  Either way, it’s rarely a fun thing.

As for myself, when I utter that sentence it is always in reference to the same thing. Anxiety.

The last thing I want to do is wallow in this and throw a pity party. To be honest, I am really fed up of this cycle. I have been off meds since the prodigal moved out in May, so a little over three months.

It’s all sunshine and rainbows during the Summer and Spring. Fall and Winter though…a whole other can of worms.  That’s actually pretty gross. Worms are bad enough on their own, but a can full of them…blurgh..

I am determined to go med free as long as I possibly can. The tendency is to wuss out and run to the doctor for a renewal of my prescription as soon as my comfort zone exits stage left.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m am not saying that people who need meds to function on a daily basis are pussies.  I have had bouts of situational depression and it is like hell on earth.  My heart goes out to folks who feel like that day after day with no relief.

In my case though, I know that I just have to keep myself and my mind busy, and need to have something to look forward to.

The main reason I don’t want to continue with meds is because I don’t want to be a little old lady in a nursing home one day, relying on some intern to give me my meds on time, or to forget about giving me my meds. Cold turkey withdrawal from this particular little yellow pill is horrible.

So, wish me luck getting through it.  It’s just a sprinkling of anxiety at the moment.  I hae to keep reminding myself it will pass and not focus so much on it.   Exercise helps, the endorphin kicks in really fast and I feel like I’m on top of the world afterwards.

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