It’s Not Going To Work Out Between Us And Here’s Why. Scenario #5

Oh man, I nearly forgot about this guy. We never actually met. He was too terrified to meet people during the pandemic. We had started chatting one night on the dating site and the conversation was flowing, but there were lags and delays due to the time of the day and the server being overloaded, I guess.

We started texting. His name was Victor, which kind of made me cringe. Why? Because, that was my dad’s name. I was maybe getting ahead of myself, but let’s pretend for a minute that we ever were intimate. Not you and me – me and Victor. (Just thought I’d make that clear, given my questionable behavior this Summer…aaaaanyway…..) I just couldn’t imagine myself, in the throes of passion, calling out my dad’s name. Eeeewwwwww.

We even spoke a couple times but honestly, his voice was bland, his conversation was bland, he was bland. You now when you’re trying to figure out if you can force yourself to be attracted to someone? Well, that’s what I was doing.

I would go back to the website we met on and look at his pictures to see if his appearance would ignite any sparks at all. Nope. Nothing.

To make matters more awkward, he would send me a message each time he saw I was online. I felt like he was keeping tabs on me. Aren’t you supposed to be quiet about your stalking?

We were still texting and then he asked if I ever got “frisky” Eeew. Why do men do that? It’s such a turnoff, especially when you haven’t even met in person yet. When you reach your 50’s, try classing it up a bit, will ya? Also, who says frisky anymore?

I don’t know about you, but I kind of like leaving certain things to the imagination. Let’s face it, if you are dating someone, it’s kind of a given that at some point you will be intimate. Why the need to discuss before-hand? When that happens, this weird visual happens in my head. I imagine the guy standing in front of someone’s window, naked under a trench coat, waiting to flash passersby.

Shortly after this exchange, I started pulling back and not responding to his texts or phone calls right away. When I did finally speak to him, I lied. I said that I was introduced to a friend of a friend and we hit it off and wanted to see if it was going to lead to anything. He said he had a feeling I had met someone else. Geez….the possibility that it was just him that was not appealing never even occurred to him. Whatever.

So, yeah, another one added to the ”next” list.

It’s Not Going To Work Out Between Us And Here’s Why. Scenario #4.

Johnnie. Need I say more? A grown man calling himself Johnnie. I asked if that was his online name or if I should call him John or Johnathan. Nope and Nope.

He was a guy that had rugged good looks and seemed smart enough. We met on Tinder. Yikes, I know, right? What was I thinking? I wasn’t. I took my now ex best friend’s advice. “Isn’t that a hook up site?”, I asked. “No, no, it has changed”.

No, no it hasn’t. We planned to meet and spend the afternoon outdoors and just walk around the mega shopping complex out here.

You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? I should have listened to my gut. When he got out of his car, he came right up to me and planted a kiss right on my mouth and was pulling me in waaaay to close.

Johnnie was an IT guy, but I think deep down what he really wanted to be is a hairdresser. Correction a hair-messer. He had his hands in my hair almost the entire time we were together. My hair got really long during the first wave of the pandemic and I’ll admit, it was pretty when I took the time to straighten it. I know guys have this thing with a woman’s locks, but when you don’t know someone, you shouldn’t keep playing in it every other minute. It’s just too familiar. That’s something someone you have a connection will do.

Which is kind of ridiculous of me to say, because I also spent time playing tonsil hockey with him. So, my priorities were kind of messed up, wouldn’t you say? Don’t touch my hair, but feel free to stick your tongue down my throat, dear stranger, during a pandemic. What the hell was wrong with me?

This is not usually how I behave. This pandemic, it’s gotten the best of me. I can only chalk it up to feeling lonely and scared and trying to find my “normal” in all of this .

I think he thought I was going to change my mind and cave, but I didn’t. I think that for a brief moment he actually was pleased that I hadn’t. He called me that same evening to say hello and how much he liked me. We made plans to see each other the following week when he came back from his business trip in Toronto.

He had sent me a text from his Toronto hotel room…in a towel. I complimented him because….I think that’s what I was supposed to do? LOL! Maybe he was waiting for me to return the favor, but I didn’t.

Needless to say, the weekend came and went and I never heard from him.

Oh well. Was I surprised? No. Was I a little dissapointed? Kinda.

Next!

It’s Not Going To Work Out Between Us And Here’s Why. Scenario #3.

I nearly forgot about this one. That’s how dull and predictable he was. I honestly don’t remember his name, but we will just call him the Accountant. At least I think that’s what he was. Gosh, I just don’t recall.

I think we met through the FB dating app. He had ONE picture. Ugh..never a good sign. He was of Moroccan descent. Another strike. Nothing against them personally, but it’s a culture I just can’t seem to jibe with.

He seemed nice enough, but was so terrified of leaving his house due to the Covid-19 pandemic. He wanted to wait until it was over before we meet. Dude, this could take a while. What the heck, I went along with it. I could probably have gone along with the waiting except that he was boring me to tears. He never really had anything to say. He would just do his check in call every couple of days, at the same time, and say the same things. Oh and he doesn’t like spending a lot of time on the phone.

Seriously why bother, you’re a freaking snooze fest anyway. The last time I spoke to him, I had a migraine and said I had to let him go. He was all too happy to get off the phone. “Get some rest, feel better soon, I’ll call you another day”. Ugh. Please don’t.

So he did call “another day”. Same day, same time. I didn’t answer. At the risk of sounding like a total jerk, I ghosted him. To all the men who I have criticized for doing this; I get it. You just don’t have anything emotionally invested and feel it’s probably kinder to do so. It’s not, but I just wanted to say I get it.

It’s Not Going To Work Out Between Us And Here’s Why. Scenario 1.

So, as if 2020 hasn’t been enough of a shit show, yours truly has been pretty much actively dating her way through this cluster-fuck pandemic.

I haven’t had this many outdoor play dates since the 3rd grade.  Yes, I’m being careful-ish. Except for the time I was not….

Geez, Where do I begin? More importantly, why on earth would I date during a pandemic. Because why the hell not.  I figured this is a time when I will see people for who they really are.

You know that old saying “careful what you wish for”…..hooboy…

Let’s start with the first one.  We’ll call him “jailbird”, partly for shits ‘n giggles, but mostly because it’s the freaking truth.

We met online and were texting and IM’ing back and for for about 2 weeks. He was a blue collar type, well, not really.  More like a work horse in a shit job with a matching salary.  What the heck, at least he is working, right?

When I got there, I parked my car in a lot and as my fingers were hovering over the parking pay station, I was trying to decide…hmm…15 minutes….30 minutes.  I know the drill by now, these meet and greets are usually a reminder that I could be sitting at home on my deck sipping a cold one and reading a good book. This time though, I figured, Meh, what the hell.  I hit “max” and thought whomever shows up here after I leave just got freebie parking.  You’re welcome,

Surprisingly, things went really well.  He was charming, good conversationalist, interesting chemistry.  It was the best first date I’ve had in a while.

He said he was in the military when he was younger.  He also said that he had been “inside”.  Oh.  Apparently he found out the son of a former girlfriend had abused his then six year old son.  Long story short, he was arrested for beating the tar out of the guy.  Not ideal, but as a parent, I can totally understand.  God help anyone who would have dared touch my child inappropriately.

He had biked to our meeting spot straight from work and had a backpack with him.  He pulled an extra t-shirt out of it, sprayed it with his cologne and gave it to me so that I could hang on to it until I see him next.  Kinda corny but cute, right?

So the next time I saw him, I had to go pick him up because….well….his bike is his only means of transportation.  Uhm…what?  I can understand living in the city, but we’re in the ‘burbs, folks.  Crap, looks like I’m doing all the driving.  What a drag.

He gave me some story about having an operation on his arm when overseas and now the Canadian version of the DMV will not issue him a driver’s license unless he has a specialized steering wheel in his non-existent car.  Sorry, what was that?  I was distracted by the red flags that were starting to pop up in my peripheral vision.

I digress.  When I got to the address he gave me, it took him forever to come out.  I was about to drive back home when I see him walking towards my car from down the street. WTF?  He saw the look on my face and explained it away by saying he was at a friend’s house down the street.

As we were pulling away, he says, and I quote “Oh, did I tell you I’m still on probation?”

WHAAAAAATTT????!!!!

I pulled the car over to the side of the road and just stared at him.  He had a shit eating grin on his face and gestured for me to keep driving.  Woah woah woah.

Apparently he still has one year to go and then he’s free!

How the fuck did this slip his mind when we met earlier this week?  I assumed this arrest was from many many many years ago.  After all, his son is 24 now and this happened when he was six years of age.

Oh boy.  I had a sinking feeling that I was getting a very watered down version of what the deal really was.

So what did I do?  I acted like nothing happened.  Why?  I have no idea.  I was paralyzed with fear.  He asked me to stop at the drugstore on our way.  I waited for him in the parking lot, catatonic.  My gut was screaming “Drive like the wind, asshole, and get out of there!”  Instead, the polite Canadian in me stayed, because he was so sweet and gentle when we met.

I know, I’m an idiot, no need to remind me.  All that was racing through my head was “so this is how I’m going to die”.

I also learned that at one point he went “off the grid”and was living in a container.  Oh, is that what we are calling running from the law now? These are assumptions on my part, but I’m pretty sure I’m not far off the mark.  I know of a friend’s daughter and her boyfriend did that for a while, so it did not scare me off.

I called things off.  Probably not as quickly as I should have, but I called them off nevertheless.   I did my best to be open minded, but with each passing day, he would serve up another little nugget of his train wreck of a life.

How can it get worse?  In the span of two weeks;

  • he got fired.
  • he got notice that his “bitch” parole officer falsely claimed he missing a meeting and he is now in violation. He might have to finish his sentence on the inside.
  • he can’t use his friend as witness that he did not miss his meeting because surprise surprise, he has a criminal record too.
  • he all of a sudden had to move, actually rent a room because he can’t sign a lease. No I did not ask why because I’m really not sure how much more I can handle hearing before someone has to call the medics to resuscitate me.

What the living hell was I thinking?  I am chalking it up to pandemic isolation brain.  Have I gotten so desperate for company that I would seriously entertain having this clown in my life?  I guess I was.  Thank God, I listened to my gut, which would churn and I would start physically gagging each time I received a text from him.

Besides, I don’t know how to bake a cake with a file in it, and conjugal visits just aren’t my thing.

Next!

 

What’s Wrong With Men Today?

Happy Sunday, all.  Before moving forward with today’s post, I’d like to apologize to any decent men out there if you’re reading this. I should not make a blanket statement on your gender. Forgive me.

However, when it comes to the characters that have been approaching me, my question is more than apropos.

This past Summer, I got together with a friend/former colleague. She was ALWAYS going out on dates. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not fat shaming anyone, but she is a very big girl.  Surely if she can can get dates, I must be date-able too?

Her secret date arsenal? Facebook dating app. Ok, I’ll try almost anything once. It’s free, so why not.

Oh I got LOADS of hits on my profile.  Here’s the thing about free dating sites though…you’re kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel. You get what you pay for, folks. I have yet to hear anything positive develop from this dating site.

Then of course, I hear all the horror stories from my friend on these dates she goes on.  I love her, but she’s a little loose in the caboose if you know what I mean.

Anyhooo, the reason for this post….I spoke with a man that dinged me on the dating app.  We had an actual phone conversation on Friday night.  He seemed “normal”.  He’s not the type physically that I usually gravitate towards, but I’m open to meeting different types of people. He said he found me pretty and said I had a nice voice.  Then out of the blue he asked if I felt like going out for a coffee on Sunday.

Wow, that was a pleasant surprise. Usually it’s never ending texting and it goes absolutely nowhere.  I said yes, and could he confirm the time.  He said he would let me know on Sunday morning.

Eurhm…no…I got stuff to do, man. I asked if he could confirm by Saturday evening. Sure, he said.

So, at 5pm, I get a message on the dating app from him.  That was weird since he had my phone number. You guessed it.  He cancelled. Or in his words “has to re-schedule”. Sigh….

There will be no rescheduling. I’m sorry, but if you are a flake right out of the gate, you are wasting my time. I text him on his cell number like a big girl and said I got his message and not to bother rescheduling.

It’s getting to the point where I just assuming they are all going to be no shows and time wasters. What gives? Literally 24 hours and he cancels. Anyway, I’m starting to give up hope. Maybe I really will end up alone until the day I kick the bucket.

If that’s the case, I’d better have a side hustle going for me.  I’m not the type to sit around watching time get away from me with idle hands.

Next!

 

To accent or not to accent…

Hola Peeps and Peepettes.  So much has happened in the past three months that I’m not sure where to begin.

For one thing, the search for love continues.  I’ve been on a couple dates here and there, nothing serious or remarkable.

Except for this one fuck-tard.  Yes, I know, it’s horrible and vulgar and not lady-like at all.  Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade.

His name was/is Victor.  Victor is a “business man”.  He is Jewish/British.  He’s “travelled all over the world” for his business. I later researched him and he’s basically sells junk to dollar stores in the Montreal region.

I was so-so about his looks. He had this big shark like grin with LOTS of teeth. We text back and forth for a couple of days and the closer we got to meeting, the more brazen he was in his comments.

Why why why do men talk about sex so early on?  What are they so afraid of?  That they’re never going to get laid?

Anyhoooo….at one point, just out of the blue, he asks if I like to wear lingerie for my man. Oh brother, are you for real?  Lame.

When I didn’t respond, he started bombarding me with more texts.  I said that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about stuff like this with someone I have yet to meet.  He spun it and said if I’d pick up the phone once in a while, we could talk.

Excuse me?? So he then called me.  I could not get a word in edge wise.  He talked a blue streak about how he was with a frigid woman most of his life and he won’t do it again. He wont! He just wont! He was very theatrical with the accent and all.

So when I did meet him, he walked right up to me and kissed me full on the mouth.

Eeeewwww…..who does that? I should have run. I stayed. Mistake.

We sat at the bar and I ordered a drink.  I could see no other way of getting through this waste of an evening. He had the big bloated belly in the front, hemmed jeans and leather shoes.  He also had a diamond stud earring and a thick gold chain around his neck.

He was smiling like Alice in Wonderland’s Cheshire cat.  Man, that guy had a lot of teeth.  It was like staring at a great white shark. It was a little alarming, actually.  He kept saying he was very attracted to me and then turned into Mr. Touchy-Feelie.

He kept rubbing my arms and my back and at one point he started rubbing my thigh. I just stared at him.  For once I was speechless.  I could not believe what was happening. It was like sitting with Harvey Weinstein. He would find ways to touch me and eventually wriggled a finger up my coat sleeve.  If “endearing” is what he was going for, it was anything but.

He asked for a hug and I kind of patted him on the back at arm’s length.  He FINALLY started catching on that I was not into his sneaky pawing.

He then asked if I found him attractive.  For real.  What am I supposed to say?  I chose the polite route and said “sure”.  It was the least convincing line I had ever given anyone and yet he lapped it up like I had just told him he was some Greek god.

Then shark-face said he wanted to kiss me again.  I literally put my hand up in front of his face and said “you know…you need to slow down with that”.

Then it dawned on me….dude completely lost his accent.  How about that?  So I commented on it.  It caught him off guard and he started pulling excuses out of his arse like a magician pulls a rabbit out of his hat.  He excused himself and went to speak to someone across the bar that he had apparently dated before. Riiiight…she looks like she could be your grandmother, perv-o. She paid zero attention to him as she was looking at her phone as he was playing Mr. Cool.

I’m sure it was just a ruse to back pedal and think of what his next act would be. When he came back to my side, he had noticed I had text someone.  He commented on it and said “telling your friends what a bad date this is?”.

Hey, how’d you guess?

Apparently this douche was completely brain dead because his next question was “would you like to see me again”.

I’d love to see you leave is what I’d love.

My response “I don’t think we’re on the same wavelength.  I don’t want to waste your time. No”.

He then said “Oh you’re probably the type that it takes two months to get you to bed, right?”

OMFG. You did not just say that.

I paid for both our drinks.  That’s my signature move that the night has ended and you my creepy friend, are toast.  He left and I stayed back to finish my beer and watch the game.

The next day, he did the formal follow up email. “Thanks for coming out last night, but that was one of the most awkward dates ever”.

Ok, half-wit.  I’ve had enough.  The gloves are officially off.  My response was “That’s because I find you creepy and repugnant.  Don’t text me again.”

HA! Take that!

Sigh….back to square 1.

 

Talking To Strangers – Part 15

Hello P&Ps!  You didn’t think I would just leave you hanging on this story, did you? It’s been a while since I’ve written and yes, the saga continues. So my scammer got a loan from a woman (surprise surprise) he met online a couple of months ago so that he could go back to Coppenhagen to wrap things up.  What a miracle!

Here’s the thing…..he posted a new picture of himself on Instagram on one of the days he was there (or where ever he was) on the beach.

Suspicious bitch that I am, I studied that thing for over an hour, looking for some sign of what the fuck was going on.  Then it occurred to me.  Who the hell took that picture of him?  So, I zoomed in at about 200% and it looks like some little kid took it.  It also seems to be a little kid of color (but I can’t be 100% sure).  Huh???

That’s weird. He said a former colleague took it….

So, I stepped it up a notch and did a reverse image search through a site called socialcatfish.com.

You’re going to love what I found. I found him on at least five different dating sites.  All different names of course.  That in and of itself is not the most suspicious part.  We’ve all tried different dating sites in our time.  Am I right?  In one of his profiles, he wrote he has children and doesn’t want anymore.  He even has a pic of himself that is captioned “thinking of taking junior to Germany with me.”  WTF?….he said he has no children.

So then I looked him up on Facebook. This is the part that really confuses me.  I found him, but his first name is not Sven, it’s Soren.  Same last name though. Here’s the weirdest part of all.  All of his followers are based in Nigeria.  A lot of them are really really young too. There are also lots of pics posted on the timeline of youngish Nigerian boys.  None of him with them, but just of them.   Ok, I can understand how maybe he got his account hacked but the name and the photographs….something is definitely not as it seems.  The ones where he is outside clearly depict the landscape of that region.

So many scenarios are playing through my head. Is he a Nigerian scammer hiding behind a fake profile and pics?  Is he the person that is behind the pics but into some really shady shit?  Or is he a married guy looking to get some on the side?

I know I should just put this to rest once and for all, but I want to get to the bottom of this.

There’s more. Stay tuned.

 

Talking To Strangers – Part 12

Are you still with me?  Let’s begin. Last week was touch and go with our conversations.  We both were sussing the other out, being uber cautious in our chats. Honestly, I had started moving away from this whole thing.  I’ve been on a couple dates with some fellas, nothing serious, but anything to get my mind off of this self imposed lunacy.

He reached out early last week with some small talk. He was more reserved and I asked him to tell me what was on his mind, how he was feeling following our blow out.  He said we will have to meet face to face before discussing that.

Ah, he’s still upset, but not with me, with life in general. He feels trapped in this contract, but it’s nothing I should worry about.

Fiiiiiine, I’ll take the bait once more. I asked if he preferred communication between us stopped. He said no, he knows he wants “this” more than ever and his feelings have not changed.

When I asked what he meant by being upset with life in general, he blew it off, said he had to get ready to head out for work.

Frustrated yet?  Bait and switch, bait and switch. You know this is all leading to some type of announcement, right?

 

 

Talking To Strangers – Reboot

Hello P & Ps!  To my fellow Canucks…Happy Canada day!

Let’s get to it. In my last post, it looked like the end of my talking with strangers saga. Guess what? It’s not.

Following our little blow out last Saturday, we each retreated to our respective corners for a bit. However, I just wasn’t ready to shut the door to this story. So, on Sunday I reached out.

I said I would not try to change his decision on cutting ties, but just wanted to talk to him. (backstory – I know a woman who got a scammer to fess up). He responded by asking what decision I was referring to.  He seemed oblivious. Why did I think he decided to end things.

Cue the red flags. Guess the earlier script was not read?

He said I have no idea what I have put him through mentally and reminded me that he said he saw no point in trying to prove anything to me. He resigned himself to just being unlucky with women.

Ok, I’ll bite. Maybe you’re moving too fast? Things can’t always be on your terms only. How many times did I ask you not to send anything my way. Come for a visit first and we will see how things go. Have you looked at that awful website?  The email? Only a fool would not suspect anything. What he was asking was too much and overwhelming. He also seems to have some suspicions regarding my time and intentions.  All the more reason to slow things down a little.

Apparently he checked out the website and got confirmation that it’s been under maintenance for a while now. But it doesn’t matter anymore, he will listen to me and play by my rules. He tried to impress me and it backfired on him.  He apologized for his typos; he was a little drunk.  I have no idea how things have been in his world.

I know, this is crazy, but I’m fascinated by this whole thing, I want to see where this goes organically.  I know one of my fellow bloggers will caution me to be careful. I am, believe me.

So, I’m soldiering on, stepping back and taking a breather when I feel I’m settling into a comfort level. Let’s see what happens next, shall we?