Ziiiiiip!Woohoo!

I am over the moon happy right now.  Last night I was looking through my wardrobe, trying to decide what to wear this morning.  I pulled out a favorite skirt of mine and stared at it longingly.  I have not been able to wear that thing comfortably for some time now.

What the heck, I decided to try it on.  I was preparing myself for the argument my thighs and I would be having as I attempt squeezing into it.  Hey now…what’s this?  It just slid over my thighs and made its way up to my waist without any muss or fuss.   Interesting…but what say you, zipper?  The answer:  ziiiiiip! All the way to the top! Aaaah! Yes!  There’s even a little “give” in the tummy area.

Ok, now how about that nice top I just bought (without trying it on)?  I held on to the receipt because I was certain a return trip to the store to exchange for a bigger size would be in my future.  Here we go, bring on the battle of the arm holes….to my delight, it was a total coup.  My arms willingly fit into the arm holes and stood there, in disbelief in front of the mirror.  I am wearing a size Medium, and it actually looks nice.

Not sure I understand what’s going on.  The numbers on the scale have barely moved, but since I’ve been drinking protein smoothies in the morning, my clothes fit better, and I’m starting to bring items to the seamstress to take in a nip and tuck here and there.

Anybody else have this happen?  What are your thoughts on protein powders?  They seem to be working for me!

Happy Tuesday, all!

Throwback Turdsday

Yes, you read that correctly.  It’s not a typo.  It’s a love story. Sort of.  Let me explain.  See the pic below?  That cute little blonde guy?  He was my first crush.  I still remember his name.  Danny Devries.

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I was totally besotted with him from the first day we met.  Here we are at my 5th birthday party.  See how we wore our birthday hats at the same jaunty angle.  It was meant to be!

Unfortunately, it was an unrequited love.  He barely gave me the time of day.  That is until one day, there was nobody else around.  He gave a barely audible “I guess so” answer to my “want to play?”. I was over the moon!  He didn’t say no!  He had actually acknowledged me.

Danny loved toy trains and matchbox cars.  I still remember it like it was yesterday. There we were, just the two of us, bent over in a squatting position.  He was playing with his hot wheel cars and I was watching, with a goofy grin from ear to ear.  I was so happy that I completely ignored the funny noises my tummy was making.

Twenty minutes later, I realized I was about nineteen minutes too late in ignoring what my intestinal tract was desperately trying to tell me.  There’s something about squatting that instinctively allows mother nature to take over.  Yep, you’ve  probably guessed what was about to go down.  Literally and figuratively speaking.

I shot up like I’d been hit by lightening and started running toward my house, but it was too late.  Mom liked to have me wear dresses in the Summer.  I wish it weren’t so; pants would have saved me the humiliation that was taking place.  I could feel the little poop droplets bouncing out of my drawers and on to the grass as I tried desperately to clench my tiny five year old butt cheeks together and run at top speed at the same time.  Talk about counter productive.

I remember looking back (goodbye, Danny my love!) and seeing a little poop pellet on the walk way, then at the door, then finally one last nugget in back of dad as he was shaving.

I launched myself onto the loo with such vigor that I nearly fell in.  Dad looked over at me, face full of shaving foam, utterly perplexed.  Then it happened.  He was barefoot and stepped in my poop.

My dad was a man of few words, but let me tell you, that man could cuss a blue streak when pissed.  Or in this case, pooped.  At first he thought maybe the dog was the culprit, but she was nowhere to be seen.

My mom heard the commotion, so naturally she had to come into the bathroom.  Followed shortly by the dog.   There we all were, the whole famn damily squeezed together in the bathroom.

Picture it.  The dog was sniffing my deposit, my father was swearing and hopping around the bathroom with one foot held out in front of him, my mom was trying to make sense of it all, and there I was, sitting on the throne, mortified, bobby socks and patent leather shoes with my soiled drawers around my ankles.  I had crapped myself for love.

So that was a foreboding glimpse into the future and what my love life would look like.    Not much has changed over the years, minus the pooping of one’s drawers.  Some folks are lucky in love.  Those folks aren’t me.  As mentioned earlier last week, I’m trying my hand again at online dating.   So far…..nothing.  Oh well, at least I have clean underwear and that’s a good thing.  Am I right??!

 

 

 

Love Is In The Air – Or Not

Ok, so I thought I’d give you a little update on my three days in status on a dating site.

Competition out here is fierce to begin with.  Add to that mix the fact that I’m no longer a 20 something, and what ensues is an exercise in patience, not taking anything personal and of course a little bit of weird and wacky.

As mentioned in a post earlier this week, I’m back in the saddle and trying to meet someone.  I’ve been doing my homework and reading up on how to put together an interesting profile and applying the hints and tips suggested.  Why not?  If I labor over a post on my blog for other people’s enjoyment, shouldn’t I do the same for my dating profile?  Marketing is marketing, regardless of the venue.

One “expert” suggested that if you are past a certain age (kind of like an old piece of fruit?  No longer ripe?) don’t sit around and wait for someone else to reach out.  If you see something you like, make the first move.

So I did.  I made a comment on a dude’s hat, how it suited him and it was a nice pic.  He said thank you and then made his profile hidden.  Woah…..take it easy Monsieur Chapeau.

I had sent a couple winks and likes here and there.  Nothing.  Then it happened.  I got a couple of notices that other members gave some of my pics a thumbs up.  Yay!

I proceeded to log on to the site and those fellows were well into their 60’s and looked like 90 year old Elmer Fudd wannabees.  Boo!

So, yes, I felt a little down.  Started wondering if there is any hope for me at all (day 3 people…).  Then I got a notice that someone sent me an email.  Ooooh! How exciting!« prev | next »

25, xxxxxx, xxxxx, Canada

Seeking women 20 – 45

From: xxxxxxx / Received: May 24

Hey, how are you? You are absolutely stunning! How could I get a date with you?

I was thrilled…but then I noticed the age….25. Good grief, have you lost your mother?  Oh and he wants someone who has a car.  Maybe the bus doesn’t go all the way to the arcade?

So what the heck, I thought I’d have a bit of fun with this.  He might be legit, he might be a scam.  So I wrote back.

Hello, I guess you would just have to…ask 😉

Cue the crickets.   He’s been on all day and no reply back. LOL!

Then I got another email.  This one read:
You have a beautiful smile:)
Totally not my type, but made a deal with myself that I would talk to anyone who made the effort and reached out.  I’m new again to this and honestly have no big expectations other than to maybe meet people here and there for a quick coffee date and see what happens.  Here’s what I wrote (I did not want to give false hope or be rude by ignoring completely) :
Aaaw, thank you. Lovely travel pic. I’m guessing you were in Greece? Lucky you!
Cue the crickets part 2…..nothing.
The fun has just begun, my friends.  Buckle in, I think it’s going to be a bit of a bumpy ride.  Stay tuned.

Monday Weigh-in

I’ve started making excuses before I even step on the damn scale.  Brunch on Saturday morning, a big helping of pasta later in the evening, followed by lunch out for Mother’s day and two of the best mini cupcakes I’ve ever tasted in my life.  Seriously, like tiny morsels of heaven in your mouth.

Drum roll please…..184.4.  F*ck! I’m up 2.2 pounds.  Well, that pretty much confirms that I HAVE to track my points.  Winging it just does not work for me.  The weird thing is I actually feel a little lighter, and my clothes are starting to feel a little less snug.  My legs have even slimmed down a little.  I can SEE it in the mirror.  How is that possible?  No fair!!!

I really kicked it at the gym, too.  This always seems to happen.  Why do I start to get heavier on the scale yet smaller in my clothing, even after only a couple of workouts?  It’s so discouraging.  Working out gives me more energy and I feel better, but get heavier.  There’s no way I can be building muscle that quickly.  There’s no way my food choices were that bad.  Right? HHhhm…I’m perplexed.

Let’s see what next week brings.  Excuse me, I have to go track that gulp of air I just took in.

The One That Got Away

I tried to warn her.  She wouldn’t listen.  I’ve been doing this for years and know my stuff.  You MUST have a good support system.  She insisted on doing it her way.  So far it had worked just fine for her.  Until last night.

As you know, Monday nights are all about aquafitness.  That shit’s the bomb, y’all.  The work out is amazing and zero impact on knees and ankles and anything else that might ail you.  I can’t tell you how many times my friend and I have said “I don’t think this is working” only to text each other the following morning with “OMG I’m sore all over!”.

When we signed up, we both decided to go shopping for swimwear.  I already had one suit, but like to have a variety; nice workout gear makes it more fun somehow.

My friend had a list of questions pre-registration.  She had never taken an aquafit class before and wanted to know what she needed.  I told her, above all else, get yourself a bathing suit with good support.  The motion in the ocean is not kind to gals who are well endowed.

Gone are the days of boob flattening, torso cutting uncomfortable Speedo swimwear.  So, the world is your oyster.  Take a day, go out, try some on, etc.  Did she listen? Nope.  She said she would just wear her “sexy” bathing suit.  Okaaaay…..

She just had a baby not long ago. and all honesty, looks pretty good.  She was rocking her swimsuit with confidence.  With each class, her cleavage was dangerously buoyant, but stayed in place.  To each her own, I guess.

Then it happened….as we were jumping up and down, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Nipplegate 2017 .  We were quite the sight; she was unknowingly flashing everyone and smiling and I was trying to stay cool and signal to her that OH MY GOD YOU ARE FLASHING EVERYONE AND NOW I CAN’T UNSEE WHAT I’VE SEEN.   Awkward.

As I was frantically pointing at my chest with a deer caught in the headlight look, she just kept laughing; she had no freaking clue what was going down.  I floated over to her and said “Dude, you’re hanging out of your suit”.  More awkwardness.

We finished up and didn’t say a word.  What happens at aquafit stays at aquafit.

 

I Had A Date – With Myself

Last Saturday I planned absolutely nothing with anyone but little ole me.  Basically, I had a date with myself.

My church is having a clothing drive fund raiser to help offer free day camp this Summer to the local kids.  The neighborhood we’re situated in is an impoverished part of town and parents just don’t have the means to pay for any little extras.

That being said, my closet has been victimized by my latest urge to purge.  It’s incredible how much stuff I had been holding on to.

So, now that I have all this free space in there, seems like a good time to change up my look and start fresh.  Am I right?!  Off to the mall I go!  Shopping has never been my thing.  My retail experiences were a bit like drive by shootings – fast, furious and usually with disastrous results, leaving my poor wallet and ego in tatters.  Picture me racing out of the mall at top speed, jumping into my Toyota Corolla and yelling drive! drive! drive!

I’m also at that in between stage – no longer young enough for “hoochie mama” gear and too young for the granny look.  You guys.  Can we please do away with the skinny jeans?  I’m a curvy gal and those things look absolutely horrible on me.  When I can get them past mid thigh, I look 5′ 2″ (un) tall and wide.

After a couple of cringe worthy moments in that three way mirror, I decided to just give up.  It was getting to be too much and wanted to do the walk of shame back home and drown my sorrows in ice cream.  Determined to turn this around, I decided to make the best of my day out and just poke around and browse at a leisurely pace.  No commitment or mission to buy anything.

Helloooo Apple store.  How crazy fun is that place?!   After having explained to Quinn and Skyler (seriously?) that this was my first time there, they absolutely lit up.  I’m pretty sure I heard Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” being softly filtered through the store.   Yes, I walked in an Apple store virgin, touched for the very first time,  and walked out a woman.  I’ll be seeing them in their upcoming iPad tutorials.  You’re welcome for the free plug, Apple and Madonna.

I left the store fresh faced and flushed, and oddly craving a cigarette.  Which is weird, because I do not smoke.

My next stop was Lush, the bath products store.  Am I craving a shower now? What’s going on here?  I walked out with an $11 bar of soap called Australie that smells so good I could eat it.  But won’t.  Even I have my limits.

On the way home I was absolutely famished and dangerously close to “hangry”.  Instead of pulling in to a fast food take out for a down and dirty dietary quickie, I drove to the grocery store and filled my basket with good food choices instead.

I ended up having such a good time that I didn’t want my date to end.  I’ll definitely be saying yes to another outing with myself.  Could this be love?

Male Fat Shaming

Monday nights are all about aqua fitness.  I swear I’m part mermaid; love love love being in the water. There’s something about jumping into a pool that just bring out the kid in me.  Bobbing and floating with the greatest of ease is so much fun.

My friend and I must have worked out harder than we realized because last night we were both really sore.  Pretty much everything hurts right now.  I think my eyelashes might be hurting too.

Let’s be honest here, the reason most (heavier) people enjoy aqua fitness is because of the zero impact on knees and feet when splashing about.  Ok, fiiiine, it’s also about feeling light as a feather.  It’s been a while since I’ve been able to say that.

Out of the corner of our eyes, we saw one of the few males in our class.  He was having a grand old time, splashing and making others laugh.  He was sporting a big porn star era ‘stach, aviator style prescription glasses and a big big belly.  You know the look, I’m sure.

That’s when I realized that I hold men to a higher standard when it comes to physical fitness.  Crazy, right?  For some reason, I think it’s more “acceptable” for women to be fat.

Trust me, I know how awful this sounds.  When I see a woman who is heavy, I assume a couple things along the line of : post baby fat, eating disorder, low self esteem.  It’s not unlike me to look at a woman carrying extra weight who is nicely dressed, made up and coiffed and think “wow, she looks amazing”.

When I look at a man who is too heavy, I think “dude, you’ve just totally given up on yourself.  You’re a mess.  Do something about that, stat.”  I’d even go as far as saying I tend not to take him seriously as a man.  I see him as weak, borderline effeminate.  If he can’t take care of himself, how could I ever count on him to be my rock when I need his strength?”

Woah…..where did this type of thinking originate from?

Now, before anyone starts throwing rocks at me, consider the following.  Could it be that I have lower standards for women (especially myself) as opposed to higher standards for men?  Maybe that is why I have always had difficulty sticking to a weight loss program.

My friend’s hubby lost 100 pounds this past year.  He looks absolutely fantastic.  I’m so happy for him. Think about it – 100 pounds.  That is super hard work and dedication. He did it.  I knew he could.  When it comes to me and my attempts at losing about 50 pounds, I’m overwhelmed and life’s every day ups and downs set me back.

This transformation journey is more than I expected it to be.  It’s not an easy or quick fix. Everything is changing; my mindset, my routine, my expectations, my limits, my choices. I think this “a-ha!” moment has finally unlocked what’s been holding me back for far too long.

What say you?  Be honest – what goes through your mind when you see a heavyset man vs a woman?  Do you judge one more critically than the other as I have unknowingly done?  Talk to me!