Knobs – They’re Not Just For Doors.

I’ve been holding my tongue on this for a couple weeks now, but just can’t do it anymore.

A friend of mine has started dating again after an extended hiatus in the land of singletons.  When I heard this, I was super happy for her.  Truth be told, it gave me hope. Love post 40’s is not easy to find, my friends.

Let me give you a little background info on my pal.  We met through work over 10 years ago.  Since then she has moved to two different provinces, has held down a job with the government (which paid a pittance) and is one of the hardest working, professional, independent people I know.

When she moved to a small town in the Maritimes to be closer to her family, I was sad to see her go, but relieved that she would be near her kin.  Truth be told, I felt she was spending a little too much time focusing on her cats (shocker!) and on the internet, self diagnosing every little ache and pain.   Don’t get me started on the gluten free spree she was on, either.

She had a hard time finding work, but her efforts finally paid off.  She landed a position within the city’s legal system and finally starting to make a half decent living.

Well well!  Apparently she has been the belle of the ball at her new workplace.  One guy in particular has taken a shine to her.

At first she was hesitant to his invitations to go out, but I encouraged her to go for it.  She kept putting the guy off, wanting to wait until the weekend.  Apparently she does not go out on a school night.  Cheese and rice, girlfriend, you’re not getting any younger.  Throw out your tired old rule book and kick up your heels for once.  Playing it safe all the time is bo-ring!

So she accepted a date with him.  Now, here’s where the red flags start to slowly pop up. He would come in to her office every single day to firm up some minutiae detail of the upcoming Friday night date. Okay.

Then he would ask her every day if she was available for lunch.

So on the Thursday afternoon, she caved and went out for coffee.  Then later in the evening she sent me a text saying they went out after work.  I mistakenly thought they had rescheduled, but no.  This was a pre-date.

He changed their dinner and movie plans to go to a wrestling event.  That he won. Because that is the perfect first date.  Said nobody. Ever.

Apparently, on their pre-date, he showed her his tattoos.  He has a ….wait for it..DRAGON tattoo.  How original! Said nobody. Ever.  Then there’s the tattoo of a train that runs from one bicep, across his back and onto the opposite arm. Don’t even ask, the reason behind that is too lame to repeat.

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Wanna see my tats?

I was reading her texts and out of my mouth flew “oh what a colossal knob”.  Who takes off their shirt on the firs date…correction pre-date?

The day after their first date, all of a sudden, my very private friend has changed her FB status to “in a relationship”.

Since then he has been doggin’ her FB page day and night.  He’s the first to comment on any post up there.  That is, when she can actually posts herself.  He does it all for her.

Out for breakfast with P.  Out for lunch with P.  What a beautiful day to have dinner with P.  Going for a walk with P.  I think of P day and night, every second of the day.  At the spa with P.

I’m just waiting for that post that reads “pinning P’s knees behind her ears”.

He reminds me so much of a former boyfriend who turned out to be a controlling lunatic.  I had to say something to her.  I was/am concerned.  She has been single for over 10 years and I think she is so craving attention that she has blinders on.

When I spoke to her about it, I cautioned her; if he introduces his kids into the mix too soon, run like hell.  That means he has been throwing his kids in there with everyone else he is dating and is a huge red flag.  Oh yes yes, she concurred. She agreed with me 150%.

The following week, he posted pictures of them out…..with his kids. Dude….

Speaking of the pics, in every single one of them, he is holding on to her like she’s being held captive.  Girlfriend, blink if you need help.  Now he’s posting pics of them smooching because we are all on the edge of seats wanting to see that.

He has now officially declared that he wants to meet her parents…..BAHAHAHAHA!  I swear, I’m not making this stuff up.  Clearly, Deputy Dufus has not progressed since high school.

The cherry on the sundae though, was a post he put up on her wall, letting us all know how he can’t wait until Friday night, cuz it’s movie night with his girlfriend and his “besties”.

Okay, can we talk?  If you were a high school girl, that would be adorable. However, you are not.  You’re a man in his 50’s.   You just made it weird.  I think it’s pretty safe to say at this point that the fact that you are licensed to carry a firearm for work is truly mind boggling.

Life in a small town…..this is the most awkward thing I’ve watched in a while.  Given this, I look at my single life and think “careful what you wish for, Chris”.

Staycation Day #8 (Friday)

The morning started off on such a nice foot.  The prodigal called me to ask if he could stop by to pick up his mail.  It was raining (again) and his work was cancelled for the day. Sidebar:  every rain day has me worried he might not be covering his rent!  Aaaaanyways….we had coffee together and I made him a big breakfast.  What can I say?  Once a mom, always a mom.  We love to feed our boys when they come for a visit.

As hard a time as we have had as a family, it does my heart good to know that he enjoys stopping by and shooting the breeze with his mamma. Ok, and to use my Wifi. LOL! They still have not gotten around to doing that.  All good.

Once he left, it was off to the Apple store for my Ipad Pro tutorial.  Oh. My. Goodness.  Can you say love?  That store rocked my socks off.  Granted, I was beyond the beginner’s stage from fiddling around with it over the past few months, but I did still learn a couple things.

We were a total of four; me, two nice ladies and..enter Zsa Zsa Gabor wannabe annoying diva.  It was 11 am folks, and this glamour puss walked in with a cocktail dress and more bling you can shake a stick at.  Hey, I’m all for putting your best foot forward, but cheese and rice, lady.  Take it easy!

Before she even opened her mouth, I knew exactly what she would sound like and how she would behave. She was going to be the one who was especially needy and would interrupt every two seconds and keep pressing buttons immediately after the instructor would tell us not to.  Two minutes in aaaaaand I nailed it.

Here is a photograph of our humble instructor.  What a sweetheart; so patient and kind.  Apparently he has a blog going here on WordPress.  I can’t for the life of me find it though.  If any of you all are savvier than I and find it, please let me know. It’s called Food Girl Beer Guy.

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Later in the evening I headed out Place des Arts to catch battle of the bands between The Xavier Cugat and Cab Calloway orchestras.  Interesting tidbit I did not know; the band leader, Christopher Brooks Calloway is the grandson of the late great Cab Calloway.  Spoiler alert – they won for a second year in a row.

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I wish we were allowed to take photographs. That particular room is spectacular and was set up so authentically to the years when that music was hip.  Well, it still is, in my humble opinion.  I had a father that was older than my mom and I have memories of hearing that stuff playing in the background when I was growing up.

I had a smile on my face from ear to ear.  That’s when a particularly vile odor wafted around me.  Oh geez, the dude next to me let one go.  Ok, find, it happens. Let’s move on.

Well, apparently it was a segue to what the next 40 minutes would be like.  My brochure was being fanned so furiously I’m sure the orchestra thought I was trying to start a fire.

For eff’s sake, Farty McGee, get thee to the restroom!  People can be so utterly disgusting at times.  He got the message when I looked right at his silly little mug and gave him the death stare.

At intermission he popped out of his seat and left.  All I could think of was “dude, I don’t care how long the line is at the loo, you’d best pay it a visit or I will  lose it”.

When he came back he seemed to hesitate sitting next to me.  Rightly so, stinky, rightly so.

You can dress some people, but you can’t take them out.

Happy Sunday, all!

 

Ziiiiiip!Woohoo!

I am over the moon happy right now.  Last night I was looking through my wardrobe, trying to decide what to wear this morning.  I pulled out a favorite skirt of mine and stared at it longingly.  I have not been able to wear that thing comfortably for some time now.

What the heck, I decided to try it on.  I was preparing myself for the argument my thighs and I would be having as I attempt squeezing into it.  Hey now…what’s this?  It just slid over my thighs and made its way up to my waist without any muss or fuss.   Interesting…but what say you, zipper?  The answer:  ziiiiiip! All the way to the top! Aaaah! Yes!  There’s even a little “give” in the tummy area.

Ok, now how about that nice top I just bought (without trying it on)?  I held on to the receipt because I was certain a return trip to the store to exchange for a bigger size would be in my future.  Here we go, bring on the battle of the arm holes….to my delight, it was a total coup.  My arms willingly fit into the arm holes and stood there, in disbelief in front of the mirror.  I am wearing a size Medium, and it actually looks nice.

Not sure I understand what’s going on.  The numbers on the scale have barely moved, but since I’ve been drinking protein smoothies in the morning, my clothes fit better, and I’m starting to bring items to the seamstress to take in a nip and tuck here and there.

Anybody else have this happen?  What are your thoughts on protein powders?  They seem to be working for me!

Happy Tuesday, all!

Throwback Turdsday

Yes, you read that correctly.  It’s not a typo.  It’s a love story. Sort of.  Let me explain.  See the pic below?  That cute little blonde guy?  He was my first crush.  I still remember his name.  Danny Devries.

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I was totally besotted with him from the first day we met.  Here we are at my 5th birthday party.  See how we wore our birthday hats at the same jaunty angle.  It was meant to be!

Unfortunately, it was an unrequited love.  He barely gave me the time of day.  That is until one day, there was nobody else around.  He gave a barely audible “I guess so” answer to my “want to play?”. I was over the moon!  He didn’t say no!  He had actually acknowledged me.

Danny loved toy trains and matchbox cars.  I still remember it like it was yesterday. There we were, just the two of us, bent over in a squatting position.  He was playing with his hot wheel cars and I was watching, with a goofy grin from ear to ear.  I was so happy that I completely ignored the funny noises my tummy was making.

Twenty minutes later, I realized I was about nineteen minutes too late in ignoring what my intestinal tract was desperately trying to tell me.  There’s something about squatting that instinctively allows mother nature to take over.  Yep, you’ve  probably guessed what was about to go down.  Literally and figuratively speaking.

I shot up like I’d been hit by lightening and started running toward my house, but it was too late.  Mom liked to have me wear dresses in the Summer.  I wish it weren’t so; pants would have saved me the humiliation that was taking place.  I could feel the little poop droplets bouncing out of my drawers and on to the grass as I tried desperately to clench my tiny five year old butt cheeks together and run at top speed at the same time.  Talk about counter productive.

I remember looking back (goodbye, Danny my love!) and seeing a little poop pellet on the walk way, then at the door, then finally one last nugget in back of dad as he was shaving.

I launched myself onto the loo with such vigor that I nearly fell in.  Dad looked over at me, face full of shaving foam, utterly perplexed.  Then it happened.  He was barefoot and stepped in my poop.

My dad was a man of few words, but let me tell you, that man could cuss a blue streak when pissed.  Or in this case, pooped.  At first he thought maybe the dog was the culprit, but she was nowhere to be seen.

My mom heard the commotion, so naturally she had to come into the bathroom.  Followed shortly by the dog.   There we all were, the whole famn damily squeezed together in the bathroom.

Picture it.  The dog was sniffing my deposit, my father was swearing and hopping around the bathroom with one foot held out in front of him, my mom was trying to make sense of it all, and there I was, sitting on the throne, mortified, bobby socks and patent leather shoes with my soiled drawers around my ankles.  I had crapped myself for love.

So that was a foreboding glimpse into the future and what my love life would look like.    Not much has changed over the years, minus the pooping of one’s drawers.  Some folks are lucky in love.  Those folks aren’t me.  As mentioned earlier last week, I’m trying my hand again at online dating.   So far…..nothing.  Oh well, at least I have clean underwear and that’s a good thing.  Am I right??!

 

 

 

Love Is In The Air – Or Not

Ok, so I thought I’d give you a little update on my three days in status on a dating site.

Competition out here is fierce to begin with.  Add to that mix the fact that I’m no longer a 20 something, and what ensues is an exercise in patience, not taking anything personal and of course a little bit of weird and wacky.

As mentioned in a post earlier this week, I’m back in the saddle and trying to meet someone.  I’ve been doing my homework and reading up on how to put together an interesting profile and applying the hints and tips suggested.  Why not?  If I labor over a post on my blog for other people’s enjoyment, shouldn’t I do the same for my dating profile?  Marketing is marketing, regardless of the venue.

One “expert” suggested that if you are past a certain age (kind of like an old piece of fruit?  No longer ripe?) don’t sit around and wait for someone else to reach out.  If you see something you like, make the first move.

So I did.  I made a comment on a dude’s hat, how it suited him and it was a nice pic.  He said thank you and then made his profile hidden.  Woah…..take it easy Monsieur Chapeau.

I had sent a couple winks and likes here and there.  Nothing.  Then it happened.  I got a couple of notices that other members gave some of my pics a thumbs up.  Yay!

I proceeded to log on to the site and those fellows were well into their 60’s and looked like 90 year old Elmer Fudd wannabees.  Boo!

So, yes, I felt a little down.  Started wondering if there is any hope for me at all (day 3 people…).  Then I got a notice that someone sent me an email.  Ooooh! How exciting!« prev | next »

25, xxxxxx, xxxxx, Canada

Seeking women 20 – 45

From: xxxxxxx / Received: May 24

Hey, how are you? You are absolutely stunning! How could I get a date with you?

I was thrilled…but then I noticed the age….25. Good grief, have you lost your mother?  Oh and he wants someone who has a car.  Maybe the bus doesn’t go all the way to the arcade?

So what the heck, I thought I’d have a bit of fun with this.  He might be legit, he might be a scam.  So I wrote back.

Hello, I guess you would just have to…ask 😉

Cue the crickets.   He’s been on all day and no reply back. LOL!

Then I got another email.  This one read:
You have a beautiful smile:)
Totally not my type, but made a deal with myself that I would talk to anyone who made the effort and reached out.  I’m new again to this and honestly have no big expectations other than to maybe meet people here and there for a quick coffee date and see what happens.  Here’s what I wrote (I did not want to give false hope or be rude by ignoring completely) :
Aaaw, thank you. Lovely travel pic. I’m guessing you were in Greece? Lucky you!
Cue the crickets part 2…..nothing.
The fun has just begun, my friends.  Buckle in, I think it’s going to be a bit of a bumpy ride.  Stay tuned.

Monday Weigh-in

I’ve started making excuses before I even step on the damn scale.  Brunch on Saturday morning, a big helping of pasta later in the evening, followed by lunch out for Mother’s day and two of the best mini cupcakes I’ve ever tasted in my life.  Seriously, like tiny morsels of heaven in your mouth.

Drum roll please…..184.4.  F*ck! I’m up 2.2 pounds.  Well, that pretty much confirms that I HAVE to track my points.  Winging it just does not work for me.  The weird thing is I actually feel a little lighter, and my clothes are starting to feel a little less snug.  My legs have even slimmed down a little.  I can SEE it in the mirror.  How is that possible?  No fair!!!

I really kicked it at the gym, too.  This always seems to happen.  Why do I start to get heavier on the scale yet smaller in my clothing, even after only a couple of workouts?  It’s so discouraging.  Working out gives me more energy and I feel better, but get heavier.  There’s no way I can be building muscle that quickly.  There’s no way my food choices were that bad.  Right? HHhhm…I’m perplexed.

Let’s see what next week brings.  Excuse me, I have to go track that gulp of air I just took in.

The One That Got Away

I tried to warn her.  She wouldn’t listen.  I’ve been doing this for years and know my stuff.  You MUST have a good support system.  She insisted on doing it her way.  So far it had worked just fine for her.  Until last night.

As you know, Monday nights are all about aquafitness.  That shit’s the bomb, y’all.  The work out is amazing and zero impact on knees and ankles and anything else that might ail you.  I can’t tell you how many times my friend and I have said “I don’t think this is working” only to text each other the following morning with “OMG I’m sore all over!”.

When we signed up, we both decided to go shopping for swimwear.  I already had one suit, but like to have a variety; nice workout gear makes it more fun somehow.

My friend had a list of questions pre-registration.  She had never taken an aquafit class before and wanted to know what she needed.  I told her, above all else, get yourself a bathing suit with good support.  The motion in the ocean is not kind to gals who are well endowed.

Gone are the days of boob flattening, torso cutting uncomfortable Speedo swimwear.  So, the world is your oyster.  Take a day, go out, try some on, etc.  Did she listen? Nope.  She said she would just wear her “sexy” bathing suit.  Okaaaay…..

She just had a baby not long ago. and all honesty, looks pretty good.  She was rocking her swimsuit with confidence.  With each class, her cleavage was dangerously buoyant, but stayed in place.  To each her own, I guess.

Then it happened….as we were jumping up and down, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Nipplegate 2017 .  We were quite the sight; she was unknowingly flashing everyone and smiling and I was trying to stay cool and signal to her that OH MY GOD YOU ARE FLASHING EVERYONE AND NOW I CAN’T UNSEE WHAT I’VE SEEN.   Awkward.

As I was frantically pointing at my chest with a deer caught in the headlight look, she just kept laughing; she had no freaking clue what was going down.  I floated over to her and said “Dude, you’re hanging out of your suit”.  More awkwardness.

We finished up and didn’t say a word.  What happens at aquafit stays at aquafit.