We all know that saying “Nice guys finish last”. Well, not only do they finish last, they also almost end up cleaning shit off the floor. I apologize for how vulgar this sound, but I can promise you there’s a legit reason for it. Let me explain.
A couple months ago, my landlady had mentioned she and her husband (a.k.a. Lieutenant Doofus) were planning a cruise for their anniversary or his birthday or something.
I asked who would be taking care of George, their cat. She said a mutual acquaintance, who lives a couple blocks away and does not drive, would be doing that. My Superman cape, which was safely tucked away in my newly purged wardrobe, sprang to life. Why, that’s silly, I live right upstairs. I can do it! All the while singing in my head “here I come to save the daaaaaay!” She looked uncertain. Hmmm..weird. Whatever. Now I understand why, though.
Friday afternoon I received an email message from her. Here it is, verbatim. Freak out factor kicked in for me at the end of the 5th paragraph.
You had offered to take care of George while we are away on vacation. I thought I would explain just how “special” George is and then you can think about it and let me know if you really want to care for him or not!
He needs one pill per day. It is a small white pill, that we crush up in his food. We put it in a small amount of wet food, wait for him to eat it, so that we know that he got the full dosage, and then give him a larger portion of wet food.
He doesn’t eat wet cat food, he eats dry cat food and he eats: canned tuna, flakes of ham, flakes of turkey and flakes of chicken or sardines or other canned fish.
He drinks regular tap water, about the only “regular” thing he does.
He poops on the floor – he pees in the box but poops on the floor. Then I sprinkle some cat litter on it and scrape it off the floor the next day.
There is only one toy that he likes to play with and he does that near his scratching post because he has trouble running and walking.
If you want to pet him, pet only the top of his head. His back is extremely sensitive and it could trigger scratching and urinating.
He will tell you that he needs to go outside, but he doesn’t, you can just ignore that.
We would be gone from June 22nd to July 6th.
Think about it and let me know if you are still interested. If not, I will find someone else.
thanks so much,
I am NOT making this up. Honestly, I kind of stopped reading after “scrape it off the floor the next day.
Wow. Just. Wow. This is the most fucked up thing I have ever heard of. Oh, did I mention she once referred to George as “diarrhea cat” because of the medication he takes for feline HIV?
Do I look insane? Your house must smell just lovely. A hard mo-fo pass on this one, lady. I respectfully declined. Said his “needs” were greater than what my schedule allowed.
What I really wanted to write though was something along these lines:
I regret to inform you that I am unable to follow through on my previous offer as I have just learned that I am highly allergic to filth and all manner of nutty behavior. Also, I refuse to enable your cat’s disgusting routine. I hate to tell you, but he kind of sounds like an asshole.
PS – If I ever offer to help in any way, shape or form ever again, kindly ignore me. I have the disease to please and clearly you have no idea what constitutes a favor vs blackmail material. It’s best we don’t risk it. Am I right??
So, that was a big fat lesson learned for me. Stop being so nice and mind my freaking business!
Have a great Sunday, all.