It’s Not Going To Work Out Between Us And Here’s Why. Scenario #5

Oh man, I nearly forgot about this guy. We never actually met. He was too terrified to meet people during the pandemic. We had started chatting one night on the dating site and the conversation was flowing, but there were lags and delays due to the time of the day and the server being overloaded, I guess.

We started texting. His name was Victor, which kind of made me cringe. Why? Because, that was my dad’s name. I was maybe getting ahead of myself, but let’s pretend for a minute that we ever were intimate. Not you and me – me and Victor. (Just thought I’d make that clear, given my questionable behavior this Summer…aaaaanyway…..) I just couldn’t imagine myself, in the throes of passion, calling out my dad’s name. Eeeewwwwww.

We even spoke a couple times but honestly, his voice was bland, his conversation was bland, he was bland. You now when you’re trying to figure out if you can force yourself to be attracted to someone? Well, that’s what I was doing.

I would go back to the website we met on and look at his pictures to see if his appearance would ignite any sparks at all. Nope. Nothing.

To make matters more awkward, he would send me a message each time he saw I was online. I felt like he was keeping tabs on me. Aren’t you supposed to be quiet about your stalking?

We were still texting and then he asked if I ever got “frisky” Eeew. Why do men do that? It’s such a turnoff, especially when you haven’t even met in person yet. When you reach your 50’s, try classing it up a bit, will ya? Also, who says frisky anymore?

I don’t know about you, but I kind of like leaving certain things to the imagination. Let’s face it, if you are dating someone, it’s kind of a given that at some point you will be intimate. Why the need to discuss before-hand? When that happens, this weird visual happens in my head. I imagine the guy standing in front of someone’s window, naked under a trench coat, waiting to flash passersby.

Shortly after this exchange, I started pulling back and not responding to his texts or phone calls right away. When I did finally speak to him, I lied. I said that I was introduced to a friend of a friend and we hit it off and wanted to see if it was going to lead to anything. He said he had a feeling I had met someone else. Geez….the possibility that it was just him that was not appealing never even occurred to him. Whatever.

So, yeah, another one added to the ”next” list.

It’s Not Going To Work Out Between Us And Here’s Why. Scenario #4.

Johnnie. Need I say more? A grown man calling himself Johnnie. I asked if that was his online name or if I should call him John or Johnathan. Nope and Nope.

He was a guy that had rugged good looks and seemed smart enough. We met on Tinder. Yikes, I know, right? What was I thinking? I wasn’t. I took my now ex best friend’s advice. “Isn’t that a hook up site?”, I asked. “No, no, it has changed”.

No, no it hasn’t. We planned to meet and spend the afternoon outdoors and just walk around the mega shopping complex out here.

You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? I should have listened to my gut. When he got out of his car, he came right up to me and planted a kiss right on my mouth and was pulling me in waaaay to close.

Johnnie was an IT guy, but I think deep down what he really wanted to be is a hairdresser. Correction a hair-messer. He had his hands in my hair almost the entire time we were together. My hair got really long during the first wave of the pandemic and I’ll admit, it was pretty when I took the time to straighten it. I know guys have this thing with a woman’s locks, but when you don’t know someone, you shouldn’t keep playing in it every other minute. It’s just too familiar. That’s something someone you have a connection will do.

Which is kind of ridiculous of me to say, because I also spent time playing tonsil hockey with him. So, my priorities were kind of messed up, wouldn’t you say? Don’t touch my hair, but feel free to stick your tongue down my throat, dear stranger, during a pandemic. What the hell was wrong with me?

This is not usually how I behave. This pandemic, it’s gotten the best of me. I can only chalk it up to feeling lonely and scared and trying to find my “normal” in all of this .

I think he thought I was going to change my mind and cave, but I didn’t. I think that for a brief moment he actually was pleased that I hadn’t. He called me that same evening to say hello and how much he liked me. We made plans to see each other the following week when he came back from his business trip in Toronto.

He had sent me a text from his Toronto hotel room…in a towel. I complimented him because….I think that’s what I was supposed to do? LOL! Maybe he was waiting for me to return the favor, but I didn’t.

Needless to say, the weekend came and went and I never heard from him.

Oh well. Was I surprised? No. Was I a little dissapointed? Kinda.

Next!

It’s Not Going To Work Out Between Us And Here’s Why. Scenario #2.

Hola! Let’s continue the dating saga, shall we?

Bachelor #2 had contacted me through FB dating app.  His profile pic had caught my eye;  he was wearing a nice suit, shaved head and neatly trimmed beard.  He looked like a baller. He lived close-ish in his own condo.  He seemed to have it all together.  I was intrigued and wanted to meet him.  He was familiar with the area I had just move to and had offered to show me around and give me pointers to the best spots for drinks and dinner.

We had a great phone conversation, but I was still was trying to figure out if Bachelor #1 (aka the jailbird was worth the time it takes to bake a cake with a file in it from scratch or go for store bought. So, I was honest with him and told him I wanted to see it would yield any results.  He was super cool with it. Wished me luck, have fun, and if it doesn’t work out, to reach out to him again. Wow.  How nice!

When I realized that the jailbird was a hot mess, I called back Bachelor #2. I’m going to call him Sammy. Not because that’s his name, but because he had the sex appeal of a ham sandwich.  Not that I’m dissing ham sandwiches.  If you get that nice Black Forest ham, with some dijon mustard and maybe a poppyseed bun, you’ve got my attention with a side of…oh..erhm, sorry.  I digress.

We set up a time and place to meet and I was pleasantly surprised.  He looked as nice in person as in his pics.  We went for a walk and then sat on a park bench and chatted. 

I felt there was some potential there, but there wasn’t that big spark I’m constantly looking for. What the heck, I’ll give it a try anyway and see what happens.

The thing about Sammy is that he called and texted me….a lot.  I don’t know about you, but I just don’t have all that much to say that warrants two phone calls a day for up to an hour at a time. 

He also would end his requests with “if you want”, or open with “Do you think we can…”. Ugh.  Wimpy.  It would go something like this “Do you think you would have time to go for a walk and chat?” , or “I’m totally free all week, we can do something….if you want”.  

Ok, so I knew that men of Indian descent are not know for their game, but this guy was so not game-ish that it felt like I was doing him a favor by merely acknowledging his presence. It was a turn-off. 

Flash forward a couple day and I was having really bad back pain.  I’m not sure what I did, but I was out of commission to go on walks anywhere.  I could barely sit up.  Lying down was the only thing that gave me relief.  

Sammy kept texting and giving me advice about going to the doctor, take a warm bath, get a heating pad…..try this or that.  I felt like I was talking to my mother.  

Then he changed his tactic.  When he wasn’t hearing back from me, he offered to come over and give me a massage….

Wow, how subtle.  Think I’ll pass.  Do women really fall for this?  Why would I want a total stranger put his mitts all over me.  Ugh.

Aaaand that’s when I ghosted him.  I fully acknowledge it was a dirtbag move on my part.  That last text was just too awkward and creepy.  Besides, I took massage therapy courses years ago.  It has made me highly critical of what constitutes a good massage and a shoddy one. 

Next!

What’s Wrong With Men Today?

Happy Sunday, all.  Before moving forward with today’s post, I’d like to apologize to any decent men out there if you’re reading this. I should not make a blanket statement on your gender. Forgive me.

However, when it comes to the characters that have been approaching me, my question is more than apropos.

This past Summer, I got together with a friend/former colleague. She was ALWAYS going out on dates. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not fat shaming anyone, but she is a very big girl.  Surely if she can can get dates, I must be date-able too?

Her secret date arsenal? Facebook dating app. Ok, I’ll try almost anything once. It’s free, so why not.

Oh I got LOADS of hits on my profile.  Here’s the thing about free dating sites though…you’re kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel. You get what you pay for, folks. I have yet to hear anything positive develop from this dating site.

Then of course, I hear all the horror stories from my friend on these dates she goes on.  I love her, but she’s a little loose in the caboose if you know what I mean.

Anyhooo, the reason for this post….I spoke with a man that dinged me on the dating app.  We had an actual phone conversation on Friday night.  He seemed “normal”.  He’s not the type physically that I usually gravitate towards, but I’m open to meeting different types of people. He said he found me pretty and said I had a nice voice.  Then out of the blue he asked if I felt like going out for a coffee on Sunday.

Wow, that was a pleasant surprise. Usually it’s never ending texting and it goes absolutely nowhere.  I said yes, and could he confirm the time.  He said he would let me know on Sunday morning.

Eurhm…no…I got stuff to do, man. I asked if he could confirm by Saturday evening. Sure, he said.

So, at 5pm, I get a message on the dating app from him.  That was weird since he had my phone number. You guessed it.  He cancelled. Or in his words “has to re-schedule”. Sigh….

There will be no rescheduling. I’m sorry, but if you are a flake right out of the gate, you are wasting my time. I text him on his cell number like a big girl and said I got his message and not to bother rescheduling.

It’s getting to the point where I just assuming they are all going to be no shows and time wasters. What gives? Literally 24 hours and he cancels. Anyway, I’m starting to give up hope. Maybe I really will end up alone until the day I kick the bucket.

If that’s the case, I’d better have a side hustle going for me.  I’m not the type to sit around watching time get away from me with idle hands.

Next!

 

To accent or not to accent…

Hola Peeps and Peepettes.  So much has happened in the past three months that I’m not sure where to begin.

For one thing, the search for love continues.  I’ve been on a couple dates here and there, nothing serious or remarkable.

Except for this one fuck-tard.  Yes, I know, it’s horrible and vulgar and not lady-like at all.  Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade.

His name was/is Victor.  Victor is a “business man”.  He is Jewish/British.  He’s “travelled all over the world” for his business. I later researched him and he’s basically sells junk to dollar stores in the Montreal region.

I was so-so about his looks. He had this big shark like grin with LOTS of teeth. We text back and forth for a couple of days and the closer we got to meeting, the more brazen he was in his comments.

Why why why do men talk about sex so early on?  What are they so afraid of?  That they’re never going to get laid?

Anyhoooo….at one point, just out of the blue, he asks if I like to wear lingerie for my man. Oh brother, are you for real?  Lame.

When I didn’t respond, he started bombarding me with more texts.  I said that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about stuff like this with someone I have yet to meet.  He spun it and said if I’d pick up the phone once in a while, we could talk.

Excuse me?? So he then called me.  I could not get a word in edge wise.  He talked a blue streak about how he was with a frigid woman most of his life and he won’t do it again. He wont! He just wont! He was very theatrical with the accent and all.

So when I did meet him, he walked right up to me and kissed me full on the mouth.

Eeeewwww…..who does that? I should have run. I stayed. Mistake.

We sat at the bar and I ordered a drink.  I could see no other way of getting through this waste of an evening. He had the big bloated belly in the front, hemmed jeans and leather shoes.  He also had a diamond stud earring and a thick gold chain around his neck.

He was smiling like Alice in Wonderland’s Cheshire cat.  Man, that guy had a lot of teeth.  It was like staring at a great white shark. It was a little alarming, actually.  He kept saying he was very attracted to me and then turned into Mr. Touchy-Feelie.

He kept rubbing my arms and my back and at one point he started rubbing my thigh. I just stared at him.  For once I was speechless.  I could not believe what was happening. It was like sitting with Harvey Weinstein. He would find ways to touch me and eventually wriggled a finger up my coat sleeve.  If “endearing” is what he was going for, it was anything but.

He asked for a hug and I kind of patted him on the back at arm’s length.  He FINALLY started catching on that I was not into his sneaky pawing.

He then asked if I found him attractive.  For real.  What am I supposed to say?  I chose the polite route and said “sure”.  It was the least convincing line I had ever given anyone and yet he lapped it up like I had just told him he was some Greek god.

Then shark-face said he wanted to kiss me again.  I literally put my hand up in front of his face and said “you know…you need to slow down with that”.

Then it dawned on me….dude completely lost his accent.  How about that?  So I commented on it.  It caught him off guard and he started pulling excuses out of his arse like a magician pulls a rabbit out of his hat.  He excused himself and went to speak to someone across the bar that he had apparently dated before. Riiiight…she looks like she could be your grandmother, perv-o. She paid zero attention to him as she was looking at her phone as he was playing Mr. Cool.

I’m sure it was just a ruse to back pedal and think of what his next act would be. When he came back to my side, he had noticed I had text someone.  He commented on it and said “telling your friends what a bad date this is?”.

Hey, how’d you guess?

Apparently this douche was completely brain dead because his next question was “would you like to see me again”.

I’d love to see you leave is what I’d love.

My response “I don’t think we’re on the same wavelength.  I don’t want to waste your time. No”.

He then said “Oh you’re probably the type that it takes two months to get you to bed, right?”

OMFG. You did not just say that.

I paid for both our drinks.  That’s my signature move that the night has ended and you my creepy friend, are toast.  He left and I stayed back to finish my beer and watch the game.

The next day, he did the formal follow up email. “Thanks for coming out last night, but that was one of the most awkward dates ever”.

Ok, half-wit.  I’ve had enough.  The gloves are officially off.  My response was “That’s because I find you creepy and repugnant.  Don’t text me again.”

HA! Take that!

Sigh….back to square 1.

 

Less Is More

Hello Peeps. A very happy Saturday morning to you. I have so much to write about and really need to carve out some time to do that.

As you may or may not know, I have decided to try my luck at dating once more. I’m not giving up easily this time around.  So much great things have happened to me in this past year that I figured I may as well go for broke and try my hand at finding love as well. Agreed?

This time though, I’m doing things a little differently. I signed up with a site I had never tried before.  Why the change?  Because a male friend of mine did and found love.  It took time, but he did it. My thought process was if Howard can do it, so can I.

I was dreading the experience, but I’m actually enjoying it.  I love the set up, it’s very user friendly and I have chatted with quite a few fellows.

You know this story has to have a comical/weird turn though, right?  Let me introduce you to Ross, a.k.a. Mr. Too Much Information.

Right out of the gate, I learned that he lost 250 pounds after his divorce.  At first I thought it was that corny joke about your ex spouse’s weight. You know the one…I lost 150 pounds last year….yeah, I got divorced! But no, no.  It was not.

Apparently he gained all the weight from his divorce.  His system shut down. He tried everything to lose and could not. Then he had gastric bypass surgery and dual switch. What is that, you ask? It’s when they cut the intestines so that you mal-absorb (his words, I have no freaking clue what this is about).  He has sooo much energy now, it’s scary.

You know what’s really scary?  I just started talking to you and already I know that; you eat your emotions (not a great match for me – can you imagine the damage we could collectively do??), you have no filter, you share way too much and have not learned at this point in your life that there are certain things you just don’t put out there to a complete stranger and potential love interest.

Oh but he’s honest, and does not like to hide things.

Sweetheart, it’s ok to hide some things. Trust me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for him that he lost the weight and is living a healthy lifestyle for himself and his kids.  This information though, could have waited.  I would have been a lot more receptive to it.

So, for once, I’m listening to my gut and giving this one a hard pass.  My days of having to make excuses for another person’s actions are gone. If it doesn’t feel right, I’m not spending any time there.

By the way, I’m still “Talking To Strangers”.  I just need to sit down and pool together all our message exchanges. This one has me stumped, I must admit.  There are days when I am convinced I’m talking to two different people, and other days when I’m sure he’s the real thing.  Stay tuned for the next installment on that.

Sucker for Punishment?

The short and quick answer to that is “yes”.  So, after my little DIY furniture upcycling was completed on Saturday, I finally had a minute to sit down and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

It was hard work, turning a dark espresso stain dresser into a crisp, clean, white vision of beauty.

white dresser

 

I was pretty content, but then this funny feeling came over me.  This has happened a couple times now.  The only way I can express it is to say that it felt like something was missing.

I’ve been single for a while now and honestly, it never bothered me. I’ve always got some project on the go, or volunteering my time to kids at church, doing my thing on the decorating committee, or just spending time with friends and family.

I was sitting in my living room, admiring my surroundings.  A lot of thought and consideration went into every item in there; it took me months to find the perfect coffee table.

WIN_20170521_204558

In the quiet of my contentment, this thought ran through my head, clear as a bell:  “You know Chrissie, at some point you’re going to run out of projects and you’ll have to face the reality that it’s time you take care of matters of the heart before it’s too late”.

Woah….epiphany or what?  Merriam Webster offers this definition of that a-ha moment.

  • 3a (1) :  a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) :  an intuitive grasp of reality through something (such as an event) usually simple and striking (3) :  an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosureb :  a revealing scene or moment.

Oh, it was a revelation, all right.  I was/am dumbfounded.  The truth of why I’m always on the go just kind of snuck up on me. It is time that I focus my energy at meeting someone.  My tried and true excuses did their best to push their way to the surface.  “No! You’re not ready!” and “Wait until you reach your goal weight.  Then you can try.  You probably won’t be successful though.” and of course, the classic “Aren’t you getting a little long in the tooth for this?”

Here’s the thing, I realized that if I wait for the perfect time, it may never happen.  So, I’m back on the online dating wagon.   This time around though, I’m going about it like every other project in my life; with patience, reseach, thoughtfulness, effort and a positive attitude.  I won’t give up until I’m happy with the end results.

I believe in God’s perfect timing in all things.  Here’s what that looks like – it comes at a time when least expected, all pieces just kind of fall into place naturally, like it was meant to be.  Picture a combination lock if you will.  You know that feeling in your hands when you’re turning the dial, and you feel that tension in the wheel just before you hear the “click” and then your lock is open?  That feeling.

Having started this blog has been an incredible eye opener for me on so many levels.  My creativity is at an all time high.  I am feeling good about myself again.  Most importantly though is that I feel hopeful.  You know that feeling when you’re anticipating something good and it happens?  I wake up now every morning with that feeling.

So, like a butterfly, I’m a work in progress with lot of changes happening.  Can’t wait to see the end results!  Thanks so much for reading and supporting me.