Ha! Fooled you, huh? I have decided to do this on a Sunday morning this week. Reason being, I am horrible at Monday mornings and I wanted to take my time to write this.
So, I stepped on the scale this morning. It was not pretty. At all. I did not take a pic, but will be completely honest and tell you that I have gained more weight. I now tip the scales at 196.2 pounds. I am now officially less than 4 pounds within the 200 range.
How do I feel about this? So many emotions. Primarily shame. Shame, self loathing, sadness, fear, disgust. These thoughts go through my head all day, every single day. I dread mirrors. I dread photographs.
En route to work I walk through this long corridor in the subway. The entire wall is mirrored. The same thought goes through my head, twice a day, five days a week. “Don’t look, don’t look”. Then I look, briefly. “You’re so fucking disgusting” chimes through my thoughts.
Then it occurred to me. Would I ever say something so nasty to someone else? The answer comes quickly, “No”. I wouldn’t dream of crushing someone like that. So why do I do it to myself? If a friend, lover, colleague, family member said that to me, it would be game over. So why do I constantly bombard myself with hurtful comments?
These thoughts are wearing me down and having an effect on my life. What does it do? It puts me in an emotional state that causes me to eat my emotions. It is causing me to withdraw from outings with people I don’t know enough to feel safe with. It needs to stop.
My first step – I cancelled some food related outings recently. I have to. I just don’t have much control right now. I seem to have lost the “feeling full” sensation, and I guess I’m consuming too many calories.
Second step – I created a folder in my Youtube account to pre-load some workouts. I took the time the other night to sift through some more recent videos so I don’t waste any time. My goal is to do some type of workout every day.
Third step – I will be taking the stairs at work every day. I’m on the fourth floor, so yes, I will be somewhat winded, but I know it will get easier if I keep at it.
Fourth step – I’m going to buy veggies and pre-cut everything for easy snack fixes. I’m also going to prepare salads and meals for the week ahead.
Fifth step – I am going to cut down on the amount of sugar I put in my coffee. This one will be the hardest for me, believe it or not. I currently put milk and two packets of sugar. I am going to start with just one and try to work my way to half a packet.
Sixth step – I took a before picture this morning in my favorite bathing suit. I look like a picnic ham. All pink and round and rosy. On the 21st of every month, I will be taking another pic, to see if I’m making any progress.
So that’s my plan. Not sure if I had mentioned this, but I’m planning a vacation to Italy next year. There is NO WAY I am going there looking like this.
Have a good Sunday all.