So That’s What I Look Like

Selfies. Hate ’em.  Maybe I’m old school, but I think they smack of vanity.  I understand though that every once in a while, you want to post a pic of yourself, to keep things recent on various forms of social media.

I spent some time outdoors with my beloved pets this afternoon.  When I came in, I felt relaxed and content. So, I took a selfie.

Ever notice that when you think of what you look like, it never ever includes the wrinkles or other imperfections.  Well, here I am in all my imperfect glory.


I am young at heart, mostly happy, and passionate about life.  There are days I look at the date on my driver’s license and think “there must be some mistake”.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul.  They never lie.  When I look at mine in this pic, I see the battle scars of some emotionally difficult days that are now behind me. I see someone who’s had a couple of hard knocks, experienced some disappointment, unrequited love, fear, abandonment.  I see the lines starting in my face, a touch of grey at the temples, the deep lines between my eyes. My “worry” lines.  I’ve earned every last one of them.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?


You’ve Crossed The Line

Dear pumpkin spice,

You’re out of control. That’s enough now. Spring is not your season. Accept that. I know you thought nobody would notice. The jig is up.  Stop. Just stop.

Faces of minors have been hidden for their protection.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. This is for your own good.

Monday Weigh-in


Part of me did not want to post today’s weigh-in.  Maybe nobody will notice? Ya, right. I will notice and this is all about accountability. So, without further ado…


Are you fed up of seeing the numbers yo-yo up and down yet?  I sure am.  Ok, to be completely honest…I know exactly where I went wrong this past week.

It was a brutal work week; I worked late, didn’t measure my portions, ate at weird hours, didn’t make the best of choices.  When you’re that tired and hungry, you will shove just about anything down your pie-hole.

At yesterday’s group run, I ended up twisting my ankle half way through.  I panicked; I thought I had broken my foot again.  I ended up cutting my run a little short, but finished our route just the same.  I took a shortcut and the others caught up to me. I don’t know how I kept running, but now I have a big ole goose egg at my ankle.  Sigh…I wore my “boot” around the apartment all afternoon yesterday and it seemed to help.

So, as discouraging as this morning’s numbers are, I tell myself at least I know what went wrong. I cleaned out my fridge and pantry yesterday, prepared dinners in advance and made my lunch for today.  Let’s see what next week brings, shall we?

Here is a shot of my foot fashion while chilling at home. Sexy, yes?



Have you ever gone up and down like this? It seems like the slightest little thing I do different shows up on the scale.  I won’t give up though.  I know I can do this because I feel like I’m finally ready.

Have a great Monday, all!

What Just Happened?

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. I think I had a bit of an epiphany.  I was on my way to a Meetup outing that I had paid for in advance a couple months ago. I went shopping on my lunch hour to pick up a little something new to wear.  I finished work, went home, had a bite to eat and then slowly started getting ready.

Here’s the thing.  I have serious time management issues.  I procrastinate. A lot. I have noticed that I am seldom on time to anything.  I look forward to going somewhere, but when it comes time to leaving the house, I wait until the last minute.  What happens next is me white knuckling it the entire drive to my destination.

Why do I put myself through this every single time?  I just don’t understand it.  Friends and family have been more than kind and gracious towards me, but honestly, there is no good reason to live this way.

So, getting back to yesterday.  Of course I didn’t take the time to map out the drive there, of course I fucked up punching the address in the GPS on my phone and it had me driving around in circles….back home! Ugh!  I then pulled over and punched the address out correctly.

I should have taken the subway, but just wanted the comfort of my car.  The outing was in a seedy part of town and didn’t want to risk the commute back home at a late hour. So I finally made it to the destination at exactly 9:00pm.  Problem?  Now I had to find parking. Good luck, moron!

What did I do?  I drove right past the place and headed back home. For a second time. I berated myself every step of the way.

Why do I keep doing this?  I just don’t understand it. It’s like I have this rebellious side to me that bucks at having to follow any kind of schedule, or to be accountable for my time. I need to stop this.  I need to look deep inside and figure out what the hell is going on with me to never be able to make it on time anywhere.

I think part of it is that I over-book activities. Work is so stressful and consumes so much of my head space and I always have to be “on”.  Being at home and enjoying my surroundings feels like a guilty pleasure these days.

I have half a million projects on the go, and have zero time to finish them.  Jack (or Jane) of all trades, master to  none. Loose ends all over the place. I hate that I live that way. Life needs to become simpler.  Maybe that is the solution.

So, moving forward, I will do my damnest to focus on one thing at a time. I will set alarms to remind myself to get going and focus on that only. I need to experience the feeling of starting and finishing something in its entirety before moving on to something else.

Ok, that being said, I have to get ready for an 11:30 a.m. hair appointment.  I need to do the following;

  • get off the internet
  • iron my shirt
  • take my shower
  • drive there.

Sounds simple enough, right?  Not if you live in my head.  The likelihood of about a million distractions between me getting up and heading to the door are very high.

Do you know anyone who is always late?  How does it make you feel about them?  I’d love to hear your comments.

Wish me luck!  I really do need to get a handle on this and start acting like an adult.



Monday Morning Weigh-in

Ok so its Tuesday. I am off by a day but still being accountable.  Here is what the scale had to say:


185! Woot woot!

Sorry for the wonky angle. I had to take the photo with my phone…the iPad adds a couple pounds.

Small victory but if I can lose a pound per week, I’m good with that.

Tonight….ugh….circuit training. Wish me luck.

Have a great day all!

Thou Shalt Not Hurl Nor Soil Thyself

If you thought 10 Commandments was enough, think again.  I have come up with two crucial rules to live by when attempting to survive Circuit Training class.

1 – Do NOT hurl

2 – Do NOT soil yourself under any circumstances.

I am not kidding folks, I tried a new class on Tuesday night and wanted out after about two minutes. My stubborn pride refused to let me leave.  It was a real uphill battle. You know that old saying “move it or lose it”? I am proof that it is the ugly truth. That and sitting behind a desk for close to 20 years to earn a living takes it toll after a while.

I guess I am spoiled. A couple years ago I worked with a personal trainer at my gym.  He was awesome.  Not once did I feel judged or self conscious at my inability to do things that once upon a time came easily to me.  He was a real good egg.  So much so, that we are now friends on Facebook.

All good things must come to an end though, we have both since moved away from that gym and this gal’s on a budget.

So I signed up for this circuit training class.  Should be fun, right? Ugh…wrong.  I thought it would be a bit more interactive and the the trainer would have some sort of personality. Nope.

It basically comprised of moving into cardio mode waaaaay too fast followed by him telling us to do three reps of five trillion exercises for 50 minutes. Lather rinse repeat.

In between feeling bored and convinced I was going into cardiac arrest, I stuck it out.  Nobody made eye contact with little miss chubby a.k.a. “me”, doing her damnest to keep up.

In my mind, I left the class and ran down the street to the safety of my car.  But I stayed, I grunted and groaned and sweat and held back the bile that was rising in my throat.

I decided I was not going to try to keep up with the others, but to do it at my own pace and build up over time.  That’s the wisdom that comes with age, my friends. If the trainer with no personality does not like it….too bad!

The battle of the bulge continues.



Is This Your’es? Your Welcome!

Grammar snobs – are you with me?  Does the heading to this post make you cringe like nails on a chalkboard?  Oh man, if it’s one thing that I can’t stand, it’s bad grammar and typos.

It seems to be rampant today.  I think that’s why I dislike texting so much.  People abbreviate words and throw acronyms around willy nilly.  Me too should be spelled exactly like that and not Me2.

So, I grin and bear it (or is it bare it?), but when it comes to my place of work, that’s where I go full on grammar police.  Let me explain.  The other day, a manager on one of my study teams asked me to send out a newsletter.  Our study is coming to a close and this was our last correspondence to all the doctors and their staff to thank them for having participated in this trial.

Before sending it, I decided to have a quick read. I got as far as the first paragraph when I found it.  It read “Thank you to all our investigator’s for participating in this trial.  Say WHAT??!! I contacted my manager and let her know that she needed to fix the mistake.  It should be investigators and not investigator’s.

Problem averted, right? Wrong.  Instead of hearing “good catch!”, what ensued was a 45 minute back and forth debate.  Was I suuuuuuure it’s wrong?  I asked if she wanted to run it by a third party to be suuuuure.  She said, ok, if there’s a GRAMMER expert in the office, go ahead.

What I wanted to say is I AM the “grammer” expert, Sparky.  This was getting progressively more hilarious by the minute. Grammer? Really?  It’s GRAMMAR! But hey, spell check did not say Investigator’s was wrong!  Sigh….palm to forehead.

I had two other “grammer” experts look at it and they caught it as well. You’d think she would be reassured?  Nope.

Fine, I’ll send it out this way and when the client picks up on it, she can be the one to tell you YOU’RE a dumbass.  Honestly, I’ve never met someone so prideful. I lost so much respect for her.  She just would not trust me that I knew what I was talking about and made a fool of herself with all the bickering back and forth.

Just as I was getting ready to hit “send”, she sent me an instant message, asking if I had sent it yet.  It appears that she spoke with someone else, and she will make the change.  Note how she never said it was wrong.  She never thanked me for the catch.  She’s been cool towards me ever since.

Takes all kinds, folks.