02 January 2021

Two days left of freedom. On Monday, the 4th of January, I am back to work after a month off due to sick leave. I thought I would have a hard time not working for an extended period of time, but I was wrong. I loved it. My first couple days felt so weird. I was concerned that I would be riddled with more anxiety, but the little happy pills my doc prescribed took care of that. Thank God for meds.

I didn’t realize how bad I have been feeling until I started feeling better. This time off has been a blessing. I basically just lied on my couch most of the time with my kitties and Netflix. It was my personal re-set and it was much needed. I am starting to feel like myself again and ready to go back with a renewed sense of confidence and strength. I’m ready for that miserable bitch otherwise known as my line manager. I will always opt for a pleasant work environment, but trust me, I will no longer be biting my tongue when it comes to her.

On to more positive things – I ended the year 2020 by ”finding” a long lost cousin. Actually, correction, I am the long lost cousin who decided to find family members. It’s a long complicated story, but after my father died I cut ties with his side of the family. They roped me into a lie that I could no longer stomach – they were keeping my father’s death a secret from his own mother. They cited the bullshit excuse of “it would kill grandma if she knew”. Soooo…..you’re telling me that letting an old woman think that her first born has just up and cut off all contact with her with no explanation at all is the better option? You people are warped. The fact that all 10 siblings agreed to this is proof that they all have a dark side that I am happy to stay away from.

I’m a mom, and let me tell you, if my beloved son were to just disappear without a trace one day, THAT would kill me. It would hurt me every single day, not knowing why he no longer speaks to me, and I would for sure be worrying, wondering if he is ok.

Anyway, it was nice to speak with my cousin. I also found another cousin, and she was happy to hear from me. That’s the only two that I care to stay in touch with. There are only two remaining aunties left, and according to my cousin, they are still as toxic as ever. They both contacted me. I was kind and cordial, but I will never let them in entirely again. Just writing about this makes me feel sick.

You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family, right?

Have a great day, talk to you tomorrow.

Chrissie B

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