It occurred to me the other day that although I have been single for a while, I’m actually kind of fortunate. Why? Because I somehow managed to dodge not one, but two relationship bullets. None of this was of my own doing; I was one of those dopes that stuck around far longer than I should have in relationships that were detrimental to my happiness and mental health.
Bullet #1 – My Beantown bad boy. I met “P” when he was stationed in Montreal. He worked as a customs agent at the airport. We shared a chemistry that was off the charts. Unfortunately, that was about all we shared. We just could not seem to make things work.
I always felt that something was not quite right, that he was hiding something from me. His work hours were kind of weird (which I’m sure was not entirely true) and he would head back to Boston every couple weekends to spend time with his little daughter and his folks.
He was also known to ghost me on a fairly regular basis. The night of our very first date, he called an hour prior to cancel. Apparently a “big emergency” cropped up at the airport. Something about someone trying to bring cocaine into the country or out….not sure how that worked, but I call bullshit on that one.
That was the first of many cancellations on his part. We would make plans to meet and something aaaaalllways came up. This went on and off for a couple years. It seemed that every time I was getting over him, he would call. The last date we had been on while he was still in Montreal was a doozie. It was around my birthday and he wanted to take me out. We had a lovely time and he had asked me to stay over night. I could not believe my ears. He NEVER asked me to stay. I was over the moon happy. At last, I thought, we are getting on the right track with this. I could not have been more wrong.
The following morning we were lying in bed talking, and that’s when he dropped the bombshell. He fessed up that he was returning to Boston for good in a couple weeks. He may as well have slapped me across the face. It would have hurt less. I just sat there, at a loss for words. Could he not have told me this sooner? His answer: he was afraid I would not agree to see him if he would have told me.
Ya think? What kind of fuckery was this? Well, thanks for taking that choice away from me, shithead.
It hurt like hell when he left. Flash forward to about 10 years of on again off again long distance romance/train wreck. We would see each other maybe twice a year. He would keep in touch, ghost me, lather rinse repeat. I can’t tell you how many times he would swear up and down he was driving to Montreal and then cancel at the last minute. It got to the point where I would start having horrible anxiety days before his supposed arrival because I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
In those lapses of time where he would pull a Houdini on me, I would receive an occasional email saying he was in the middle East. This part is true, I’ve seen the pics. He could never tell me many details about his work. Apparently it was all “sensitive information”. Maybe, maybe not. I’ll never know.
The last time I saw him was in 2012. I was vacationing in Ogunquit. He met me there and he spent the night. He even eluded to the fact that the next time he went to South Carolina for work, I could maybe meet him there. Maybe...he wasn’t sure….
The tip off should have been the fact that he spent the night. Apparently I forgot about this pattern from years earlier. It was the big kiss off once more. He left in the morning and I was packing and getting ready to head back home, he called. He wanted to know if I was ok. Uhm..yes, why? He wanted to say thank you. Thank me? For what? I’ll never forget his answer “For everything. For you.” It was only after he hung up did I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Mother effer.
The entire drive home, I kept replaying our weekend together, wondering if I had missed something. Surely he wasn’t doing what I thought he was doing. Was he?
Yep, he was. I didn’t realize until later what that goodbye really meant. He started ghosting me again, and next thing I knew, he got married. Which is interesting considering he told me he could never ask me to marry him because of his health issues. He loved me more than anything and apparently it just wouldn’t be fair to me. Just couldn’t do that to me. Yessiree.
So you’re probably wondering where the part about dodging a bullet comes in. When P was 13 he began a five year long battle with cancer. He pulled through after extensive rounds of chemo and radiation.
I knew he had been sick as a teen, but the most recent health update was learned through a GoFundMe account started by his best friend. He is trying to raise $20,000 to help cover medical expenses and bills. With the years, those treatments have taken their toll on P’s heart and lungs and needs transplants. Thing is, his doctors have stated that his health would begin to deteriorate faster than it has in the past year.
I don’t know if he was sincere in his reason to not marry me. All I know is that if I would have left everything behind; my family, my job, my friends, I would be in the same position his wife is in now. Only thing is, I probably would not be able to work legally. We would be broke and I would probably eventually end up coming back to Canada, heartbroken and destitute.
Since having received this news, I just want to hear his voice, tell him that despite everything I still love him. That I hate what he’s going through. How sorry I am he is not well. That I am happy he found someone to build a life with. That I am grateful he’s not going through this alone. I saw him briefly in a dream the other night and it was nice to see his face and hear his voice, even if it was not real.
I’ve written enough on this one. Stay tuned for the story of bullet #2.