Embracing the Void

Well, this funk I am in seems to be settling in for the long haul.  What is up with me?  I just can’t seem to shake this feeling.

Sunday evening was the worst. I sat on the front step with my iPad, reading.  The kitties were enjoying the fresh air and munching on the grass (only to toss their cookies minutes afterwards – why do cats do this?)

My funk turned into a deep sadness and sense of desperation.  I started worrying that this feeling would never go away.  I was mindlessly thumbing through memes and images and stumbled across this.

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All of a sudden, it makes sense. I’m not saying that it feels any better, but it makes sense.  I keep trying to keep these feelings at arms length and avoid them at any cost. Something tells me that until I learn to truly embrace solitude, it will forever hound me.

My life is in re-set mode.  My nest is empty, my friends are still there, but are probably going through their own stuff as well, some are becoming grandparents (yikes!), some have met new loves and are caught up in that.

Maybe this feeling is greater than me. Like a child being preparing for his first day of school, clinging tightly to the hand of his parent, scared, but knowing this is a necessary step in growth, maybe this is God, the universe, karma, destiny (whatever) way of saying to let old things fall away and to be open to a new way of life.

Change is inevitable in all things.  It’s not easy, but I think if I learn to accept it for what it is, I can keep my eyes and heart open.  I think a person has to fully embrace and accept a situation in order to be able to get through it. Walk with it, hand in hand and then before you know it, it leaves your side and in walks sweet relief and joy once more.

Monday Weigh-in 183.4…

Ugh…I’m sure I am going to explode soon.  However, here we go again.  Trying.  Will never stop trying.  So off I go to work, with my cut up veggies as a snack, my lunch carefully measured and tracked.

I know this system works, but only if I adhere to it.

Weather permitting, I will be walking on my lunch hours after eating.

Kind of a boring post today, but I’ve been hiding the non weight loss part of my so called weight loss journey.  Time to face the music and do the walk of shame when warranted and the happy dance when applicable.

Have an awesome Monday!

Fat Shaming Myself

I am thinking of changing the name of my blog.  If I did, it would be called my non-weight loss journey.  I mean,cheese and rice, I have been playing back and forth with five pounds since January.

Clearly, I am the most undisciplined creature on the planet.  For shame.

So what gives?  Is it menopause?  Like most women in my family, I got that early in life. Not that I am complaining!

Maybe I have just become lazy?

So, I have to go back to basics. That means tracking the food. Every day.  It also means putting the kabosh on the sedentary life after work.  A couple years ago I was in such good shape.  I was at aquafit twice a week, the gym twice a week and I either hiked or kayaked every weekend.

When I think of it now, it makes me just plain tired. I feel like I’ve done so much racing around back and forth for so many years.  I just want to rest now.  I just don’t want to become a whale while I’m at it.

So, what is the happy medium?  I’m still trying to figure that one out.

I went to the gym Saturday and had a good work out.  I love the abs machines.  However, this is the second time now that I get horrible stomach and lower back pain after using one particular piece of equipment.  I mean, PAIN.  Then my tummy gets all swollen and tender to the touch.

I guess its true what they say, you gotta use it or lose it.  Consistent exercise, even moderate, probably causes a lot less wear and tear than sporadic and more strenuous.

If you look through my pantry, you won’t find much by way of processed foods.  Same goes for my fridge.  So what’s the problem?  Is it the portions?  The fat content? I don’t know, I’m at a loss.

Maybe it’s the fear of success?  Is that really a thing?  Or an excuse people use?  All I know for certain is after a work out, I feel great.  I have more mobility, sleep better, even stand taller, if that’s possible.

I know what I have to do, I just need the kick in the arse to do it.  I need to move more, its crucial for me, always has been.

You see, I don’t just want to be thinner, I want to have a strong body.  Strong is sexy.  I’ve always thought that, even before it was a trend.

I have a friend who prides herself on never gaining weight.  She also had the nasty habit of eating only once a day, smoked cigarettes and drank coffee all day long. She has all sorts of training equipment in her basement and I know she uses it.

Yes, she is slender. Her muscle tone though….zero.  There is no definition in her arms or legs.  She’s soft and white and mushy.  Like dough.

Show me a girl who is a little heavier but with a little tone and definition and that, to me, is what healthy looks like.  It looks like someone who is enjoying life and grabbing it by the balls.

So, I had better get hopping on what it is I know I need to do, before I become irreversibly doughy myself

 

 

So, Italy.

You might find me a little ADHD with this post.  I am going to be all over the place with it.

So, Italy.  I’ve been talking about this for two years.  Actually, more like I’ve been putting it off for two years. My reason for that? Finances. My mantra was that I refuse to reward bad behavior.  What bad behavior you ask? Credit cards.  For many years I was a buy now pay later gal.  Learned my lesson on that one.

Lately I’ve been a little down, which is why I haven’t been posting or catching up with other bloggers.  Reason?  I’m lonely.  Or maybe it’s a midlife crisis, I don’t know.

There is no reason for me to feel like this.  I have a good job that pays well.  My health (being chubby aside) is good, have a good relationship with my family, have friends, a nice apartment that is affordable, my car is paid.  What’s missing?

At first I thought it might be a spouse/companion/boyfriend. Maybe, maybe not.  Lord knows I have tried.  After three months of honestly trying to reach out to others online, I decided not to renew my membership to a dating site.  Which begs the question…what’s wrong with me?  Why is this so easy for everyone else, but it never works out for me? (I warned you I would be all over the place with this).

Even though everything else seems perfect on the outside, on the inside, there’s a bit of a void.  Wanderlust is setting in.  I want to go on an adventure, break away from the routine.  So, Italy.

Italy

Last week I stopped off at Chapters to pick up a National Geographic travel guide.  Then, to make doubly sure I go through with it, I fired off an email to my travel agent to start the ball rolling.

Next, I’m starting my little travel fund and socking away as much money as I can for the anticipated trip in May.

All of a sudden, things don’t feel as bleak.  There’s the answer.  I need something to look forward to.  The every day humdrum routine of work, home, weekend – lather rinse repeat, is a killer for me.

Only thing is…what happens after the trip?  Will I still feel this way? I just don’t understand what this is about.  It is some sort of existential crisis? Am I bored?  Am I depressed?

Does anyone else ever feel this way? If so, how do you get yourselves out of this kind of funk?  Does it pass?  I hope so….

 

When It’s Okay To Talk To Strangers

Peeps! I’ve missed you.  I have barely had a moment to myself this past week.  Work has been crazy and I have been staying too late at the office and then not making enough time for myself in the morning to read what my favorite bloggers are up to.

So, couple of things.  Yesterday was my birthday.  I was inundated with lovely text messages, phone calls and posts on Facebook.  I know it sounds cheesier than a package of Kraft singles, but it’s true; knowing that people took time to wish me well was the best gift a person could ask for.

No big plans were made and I was happy with that.  There comes a time in a person’s life where that just is not so important anymore.  I think I’ve reached that point.

My son, his girlfriend and a couple of my closest friends wanted to make sure that I was not alone and lacking something to do.  I love them all for it, but this year I wanted a very low key birthday.  My heart was filled with good things because of their thoughtfulness.

I ended up leaving the house a little later than expected and took myself out for a nice breakfast at Allo Mon Coco.  Yes, alone.  I loved it.  I brought my gift to myself with me – a travel guide to Italy.  This has been on my bucket list for a while now and my gift to me is starting my plans to see it through.

Aaaanyhoooo…..I walked past the long line up at the resto and was immediately seated at the bar area (cool concept for a breakfast place – singletons need to eat too).  My blood sugar was so low, I did not have the patience to look at the menu but rather told the girl what I wanted. French toast, cinnamon, LOADS of strawberries.  Clearly she understands what a person on the brink of being “hangry” is all about.  My breakfast was in front of me within 10 minutes.

A couple of minutes after, a fellow male singleton sat next to me. We kind of glanced at each other, nobody said a word.  After settling in, he noticed my travel book, and he opened up the conversation.  We ended up talking for two hours.  Is that not the coolest thing ever?  I love when that happens.

In the age of social media, when everyone is staring at their phones or iPads, an actual conversation took place between two strangers.  That to me is what being social is about.  It’s not about how many “friends” a person has on FB, or followers on Instagram, or Twitter.

We both finished our meals, paid our tabs and walked to the exit together.  We shook hands, thanked the other for fun conversation and went on our separate merry ways.  He threw a little “Hey, maybe I’ll see you here again sometime”.  My response was “You never know”.

Some might say I should have offered up my cell number, or tried to firm up meeting again, but I disagree.  Some days all a person wants is good conversation and being free as a bird to walk away.  Yesterday was that kind of day.  It was perfect.

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