I Bought Into the Lie

So here I am , a month in on this journey to transform myself.  I’m still stoked.  Usually by now, the dew has fallen off the rose, so to speak.

I can feel so many things changing and falling into place, not only with respect to food, but in my soul as well. The possibility that I will succeed is very exciting.

A little while ago, I “discovered” podcasts.  One in particular that has been helpful is “The Psychology of Eating”.  I highly recommend it for anybody who wants to delve a little deeper as to how food can affect our lives both positively and negatively.

It’s funny how we tend to push things so far down that we forget about them.  So here is my truth – I realized that I have had food issues pretty much all of my life.  They did not manifest themselves in anorexia or bulimia, but were still unhealthy.

For instance, last weekend was the first time I have given myself permission to indulge in a little treat. I actually planned it out; sat in the living room, put my feed up and was fully present in that moment. No guilt involved, no excuses.  I just ate my little chocolate moka cake.  Spoiler alert…after making healthy choices for several weeks, the cake was just…meh.

This may not sound like a big deal, but it is when I realized that I do most of my snacking while standing at the cupboard, rushed.  It never occurred to me to carve out some time, plan my snack and relax and enjoy it.

So, I dug a little deeper into my memories and remembered a time when I was in the later years of grade school.  My mother found diet pills in my closet.  How did I even afford those?  I guess I saved up my babysitting money and or allowances.

Then I did this crazy thing where I would wrap saran wrap around my tummy to flatten it.  I even remember sleeping on the floor, on an encyclopedia in an effort to make my stomach look leaner.

I still have a scar on my tummy where I had chaffed my skin from tying belts too snugly, in an effort to put together some type of a makeshift girdle.

By the age of 16 I was hassling my parents to get me a gym membership.  I know today that’s not unusual, but back then it really was.

“Dieting” today is all about making healthy choices.  Back then, it was literally just not eating.  I still remember my grandmother’s idea of dieting .  Her morning meal was melba toasts, grapefruit and black coffee.  Ugh…

Here’s a pic of me at 13 years of age.  I thought I was fat…..seriously.  Today I’m able to look at that girl and think she looked perfectly fine and normal.

Why did I have such a distorted view of myself?  Probably because of all the garbage magazines like Cosmopolitan and such that were the rage back then.   Also, that old saying “a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips”.  Crazy making stuff, folks.

For those of you who have daughters, please please teach them to love and accept themselves as they are.  Tell them that food is there to nourish the body, and to have a healthy relationship with it.


Me at 13 years of age. I was convinced I was fat. Breaks my heart that I bought into that lie.



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