Mind Over Matter

It’s Sunday, and that means in two days I go for my weigh in.  I missed two weeks because I was too shame faced to show up.  My tracking was done in a half-hearted haphazard way.

At some point last week I realized how I was self sabotaging myself by letting a difficult family member get in the way of my goals and my focus.  I realized that I will NEVER be able to change how this person acts towards me.  All I can do is change how I re-act.  I have done my best and given my all.  The rest is up to him and now it’s time for me to live my life because nobody else is going to do it for me.

So here’s the thing, I had a craving for chocolate cake. Although I prefer home baked goods, I was nursing a cold and too tired to bake.  I also knew that portion control would be an issue if I baked a whole cake!  So, when I did my groceries, a little box of chocolate mokas made their way into my shopping cart.

Later in the afternoon I indulged.  You know what?  It tasted horrible.  My taste buds have gotten so used to fresh fruits and veggies that they flat out rejected this “treat”.  Honestly, I couldn’t taste cake at all.  All I tasted was chemicals and preservatives.  Well, well!  I’d say that’s a good thing.  The  remainder of the little cakes are in my freezer for anyone else who might fancy them.  This, my friends, is progress!

 

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A New Week Begins

I took a bit of time this past week to ask myself some serious questions.  How badly do I want this weight loss?  How tired am I of looking in the mirror and hating what I see?  How long am I going to let other people’s behavior affect my goals?  When am I going to start living my life, just for me?  When will I start putting myself first?

The answer is right now.  I have to do this.  I’ve worked hard and have done my best as a single parent for many many years.  It’s no surprise to anyone who knows me well how difficult those years have been at times.  I’m a person who wears her heart on her sleeve, and there have been two people in my life that have for the most part treated me as though my time and my life were unimportant.  Everything I had in me was to make their lives easier in some way or to blame me when things went wrong.

So now it’s all about me.  It’s my time to shine.  I know that tomorrow’s weigh in will not go well, but I’m going to be accountable and step on that scale anyway.  I will continue until I reach my goal weight and nobody is going to get in my way any longer.  I’m kicking it off with a spa day today.    Normally when I have some time off, I usually run around doing errands or visit an ageing family member.  Not today.  I deserve a break and I’m doing what feels good for me.

Failing Miserably

So this weight loss thing…it’s not going so well.  However, I will not give up.

I have been living an emotionally difficult time for several weeks.  I have a family member who is making life difficult.  There is a lot of history between us, a great portion of it is dysfunctional.

Nobody is forcing bad food choices down my throat.  I just tend to get distracted and lose my focus.  Then I end up loathing myself for it.

What I need to do is to tunnel vision myself into this endeavor.  This is just too important to me to fail.

If I could put the same energy into becoming the healthiest version of myself that I do in trying to “fix” my family situation and figure it out, I would have reached my health goals a long long time ago.

So, here I go once more. I have to do this, I will do this.  It is scary as hell.  If I succeed, what happens after that?

Victory!

Yes! Yes! Yes!  So happy to report that when I stepped on the scale at last night’s weigh-in, I was three pounds lighter!  Finally.  Last week I had a pitiful 0.8 pound weight loss.  I was so tired and upset, I didn’t stay for the meeting.

I had a very emotional couple of weeks; a family member has been giving me a hard time.  It’s a pattern I am familiar with.  Whenever I have started doing things only for me, this person senses a shift in my focus and attention and starts to make my life difficult.

A couple times I caught my train of thought leading back solely to how to “fix” this problem.  Well, I’m tired of trying.  This isn’t mine to fix anymore.  The only thing I can do is bring the best version of myself to each new day.  That means I have to take care of me first.  I’m worth it and have been putting myself last for far too long.  No more.

I’m on a mission to transform both outwardly and inwardly. Just like a butterfly.  So in closing, three pounds down, 47 more to go.  I can and will do this!

Fail…..

I’m discouraged.  Yesterday was my weigh in.  I only lost 0.8 pounds. Well, at least I did not gain, right?

So, what went wrong.  Ok, let’s back track.  I have had three very emotional weeks.  Long story short, a family member moved back home in early November.  It is not the most convenient situations, but family is family and I felt like my hands were tied.

Things were going well, but lately old patterns have resurfaced. These patterns are toxic and send me into an emotional/mental tailspin.  Whenever this happens, I have a hard time focusing on anything.  My world turns black and I give up on myself.  It drains me and all I want to do is go to sleep and not wake up.

I also got together with some friends on three different occasions.  I thought I was making good choices, but when I got back home to calculate points…not the case!

I was so tired and discouraged last night that I decided not to stay for the meeting.  I just wanted to go to the safety of my bed.   The leader was so kind; she asked what was wrong and really encouraged me to not give up.  I really needed a kind word.

So, I’m back in the saddle.  I won’t give up, I will do my best not to let this family member drag me down with him.  Please wish me luck and send me some good vibes.