10 January 2021

Just some random thoughts on our lifestyles during the pandemic and now imposed curfew in my neck of the woods. As hard as I found it in the beginning, I have started getting used to being comfortable with limited contact and being at home most of the time.

Prior to Covid-19, I was always on the go and all over the place. It took its toll on my energy and on my pocket book. Truth be told, I had a hard time sitting still and just enjoying the comfort of my home.

I also took for granted the little things in life. That tends to happen when you’re caught up in the daily grind.

Take for example how I spent my Saturday. I got up early, picked up a friend from church and we went to the sanctuary to take down the Christmas tree and store the decorations for another year. It felt so good to be in the sanctuary, taking our time removing each ornament. I stood back and took a couple minutes to appreciate the rich jeweled tones. So pretty. I held one up and looked at it as if it was the first time I have ever seen a Christmas bauble.

Not long after that, I felt my blood sugar dropping. I didn’t have the time to have coffee or breakfast and had thrown a banana in my bag for a snack. Don’t ask me why, but I’m coo-coo for bananas lately. Ordinarily I would be gulping it down as I multi-tasked. Instead, I took the time to sit back, relax and eat slowly.

I know I might sound like a whack job, but hear me out. Have you ever taken the time to appreciate all the different varieties of fruits and vegetables we have access to. Isn’t it amazing how each one has its own distinct shape, color, smell, taste and texture? Mind blown.

Honestly, part of me is now embracing how the world has slowed down. It’s giving me the chance to literally stop and smell the roses (or bananas). Colors seem to just pop like never before. Tastes, smells, and sounds and smells have all intensified. I feel like my soul is being nourished like never before.

Look at me, getting all hippy-dippy. Who would have thunk it?

08 January 2021

Well so much for writing Every. Single. Day. That lasted a whole hot minute, didn’t it? I am grateful to still have a job during this pandemic but boy does it get in the way of savoring every little minute of life. The rat race stinks.

My first week back was not too bad. We are swamped and overloaded, but I managed to keep my cool and take everything in stride. We’ve got a mock FDA inspection in a week’s time and documents to be filed are just coming out of the wood work, left right and center. Aaaaaaand where were these documents hiding all this time, exactly? Sigh…this industry never changes in that regard. Semi-retirement, I am counting the days.

My boss was actually nice this week. Fingers, toes and eyes crossed that it will last.

In other news, how about those animals storming senate in Washington this week….I have no words. I will say this, though. The likelihood that these shit disturbers care a lick about politics is highly unlikely. Any excuse to wreak havoc and make trouble is the agenda, I’m sure.

Closer to (my) home – we are officially under lockdown curfew starting tomorrow night. Did I go to sleep and wake up in the middle of Europe during World War II? What the hell…

Don’t get me started about how the Quebec government is handling this. Ten months into a pandemic and they are driving us nuts with the constant flip flop back and forth of rules. Everybody stay home and businesses are closed, but kids are allowed back in school.

Oh yeah, this won’t be ending any time soon.

Thanks for stopping by.

04 January 2020

Today was my first day back to the grind. I am pooped. Everybody was really nice, but the place is still a disorganized train wreck. I had to pop an Atavan minutes before a meeting. I hate the meetings that last more than an hour because it gives the people more time to spin themselves and the rest of us in a vortex of confusion and never ending what ifs scenarios. Given a choice of living another year with this pandemic or continuing on this particular project, COVID wins, hands down.

The prodigal came over yesterday and I was helping him fill out his passport application. Then he started talking to me about his live in girlfriend. He sure can pick ’em is all I have to say. She is a nice enough girl, but they all seem to have some issue or another. Sigh….

Anyhoo, I’m too pooped to write anymore, so it’s nighty night for me.

Thanks for stopping by, see you tomorrow.

03 January 2021

Last day of complete freedom! I’m ready to go back to work tomorrow and I’m actually looking forward to it. Never thought I’d hear myself say that.

During my sick leave, I had a talk with my financial advisor about the possibility of an early semi-retirement in about five year’s time. He crunched the numbers and said that yes, it was absolutely possible.

My heart sang. I felt like I’ve been given a new lease on life. Just the thought of being able to walk away from this crazy industry I have been working in for the last 20 years of my life is so appealing. It’s also scary as hell. I don’t want to be one of those people who just end up sitting on the sofa all day watching television and becoming obsolete and irrelevant. Even though that’s all I basically did while on sick leave, and I did appreciate the time to do so because I needed to re-set and make my world slow down, there’s a danger in becoming complacent in life as a result.

That being said, I’ve been thinking of ways to reinvent myself for the past year or so. I thought of Events Management Planning for a while. I almost signed up (at the tune of about $8K for distance learning), but then the pandemic hit. Suffice it to say that this might not be the best time to go into that industry. I’m not as dumb as I look, folks.

Then I thought of real estate. The market in Montreal is booming and everyone and their aunty Fanny is taking realtor courses. The problem….everyone and their aunt Fanny is taking realtor courses. Just the thought of being in another super stressful and competitive industry makes my stomach turn. It’s really not how I want to start the second chapter of my life.

This this morning I had an epiphany. I know exactly what type of business I want to start now and I’m so fired up about it that I can hardly contain myself. I’d love to tell you what it’s all about, but when something this big means so much to me, I tend to keep it to myself. I’m selfish that way; I don’t want to share it with anyone else until the time is absolutely perfect.

I will say that never in a million years would I have thought of this particular industry. Sometimes money is really not everything. You have to be happy doing what you do in life, that way it does not become work, but a labor of love. Of course, the “sensible” side of me is saying this idea is totally ridiculous and have I lost what’s left of my marbles.

I’m doing my best to shut my inner critic down as soon as those negative ideas crop up. When that little asshole comes out to play, I remind it of the author J.K. Rowling. You know her, right? She’s the brains behind the Harry Potter novels. She was a single mother, struggling, and next thing you know, Poof!, uber successful author. Before you get ahead of yourself, this newfound calling has nothing to do with writing a book.

A couple weeks ago I came across a quote from the late great Walt Disney that has resonated within me. “If you can dream it, you can do it.” Love it.

Thanks for stopping by, see you tomorrow.

Chrissie B

It’s Not Going To Work Out Between Us And Here’s Why. Scenario #5

Oh man, I nearly forgot about this guy. We never actually met. He was too terrified to meet people during the pandemic. We had started chatting one night on the dating site and the conversation was flowing, but there were lags and delays due to the time of the day and the server being overloaded, I guess.

We started texting. His name was Victor, which kind of made me cringe. Why? Because, that was my dad’s name. I was maybe getting ahead of myself, but let’s pretend for a minute that we ever were intimate. Not you and me – me and Victor. (Just thought I’d make that clear, given my questionable behavior this Summer…aaaaanyway…..) I just couldn’t imagine myself, in the throes of passion, calling out my dad’s name. Eeeewwwwww.

We even spoke a couple times but honestly, his voice was bland, his conversation was bland, he was bland. You now when you’re trying to figure out if you can force yourself to be attracted to someone? Well, that’s what I was doing.

I would go back to the website we met on and look at his pictures to see if his appearance would ignite any sparks at all. Nope. Nothing.

To make matters more awkward, he would send me a message each time he saw I was online. I felt like he was keeping tabs on me. Aren’t you supposed to be quiet about your stalking?

We were still texting and then he asked if I ever got “frisky” Eeew. Why do men do that? It’s such a turnoff, especially when you haven’t even met in person yet. When you reach your 50’s, try classing it up a bit, will ya? Also, who says frisky anymore?

I don’t know about you, but I kind of like leaving certain things to the imagination. Let’s face it, if you are dating someone, it’s kind of a given that at some point you will be intimate. Why the need to discuss before-hand? When that happens, this weird visual happens in my head. I imagine the guy standing in front of someone’s window, naked under a trench coat, waiting to flash passersby.

Shortly after this exchange, I started pulling back and not responding to his texts or phone calls right away. When I did finally speak to him, I lied. I said that I was introduced to a friend of a friend and we hit it off and wanted to see if it was going to lead to anything. He said he had a feeling I had met someone else. Geez….the possibility that it was just him that was not appealing never even occurred to him. Whatever.

So, yeah, another one added to the ”next” list.

02 January 2021

Two days left of freedom. On Monday, the 4th of January, I am back to work after a month off due to sick leave. I thought I would have a hard time not working for an extended period of time, but I was wrong. I loved it. My first couple days felt so weird. I was concerned that I would be riddled with more anxiety, but the little happy pills my doc prescribed took care of that. Thank God for meds.

I didn’t realize how bad I have been feeling until I started feeling better. This time off has been a blessing. I basically just lied on my couch most of the time with my kitties and Netflix. It was my personal re-set and it was much needed. I am starting to feel like myself again and ready to go back with a renewed sense of confidence and strength. I’m ready for that miserable bitch otherwise known as my line manager. I will always opt for a pleasant work environment, but trust me, I will no longer be biting my tongue when it comes to her.

On to more positive things – I ended the year 2020 by ”finding” a long lost cousin. Actually, correction, I am the long lost cousin who decided to find family members. It’s a long complicated story, but after my father died I cut ties with his side of the family. They roped me into a lie that I could no longer stomach – they were keeping my father’s death a secret from his own mother. They cited the bullshit excuse of “it would kill grandma if she knew”. Soooo…..you’re telling me that letting an old woman think that her first born has just up and cut off all contact with her with no explanation at all is the better option? You people are warped. The fact that all 10 siblings agreed to this is proof that they all have a dark side that I am happy to stay away from.

I’m a mom, and let me tell you, if my beloved son were to just disappear without a trace one day, THAT would kill me. It would hurt me every single day, not knowing why he no longer speaks to me, and I would for sure be worrying, wondering if he is ok.

Anyway, it was nice to speak with my cousin. I also found another cousin, and she was happy to hear from me. That’s the only two that I care to stay in touch with. There are only two remaining aunties left, and according to my cousin, they are still as toxic as ever. They both contacted me. I was kind and cordial, but I will never let them in entirely again. Just writing about this makes me feel sick.

You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family, right?

Have a great day, talk to you tomorrow.

Chrissie B

01 January 2021

The first day of the new year. It started off kind of odd. First, my bladder decided it was time to make a trip to the loo at 4:30 a.m. Ugh. Then, at about 5:30 a.m., my phone pinged as a new text message came in. I’m from the era when anything after 9 p.m. or before 10 a.m. automatically means someone is either in the emergency room or needs bail money.

I looked at my phone. Wrong and Wrong. It was a happy new year greeting. It was from someone I had briefly chatted with in an online dating site. He asked if we could chat by text and gave me his cell number. I text him the next day. He never answered. Instead, he texts me at 5:30 a.m. four days later. Great first impression. Think I’ll pass.

Then, at 10:20 a.m., I got another text wishing me a happy new year. I didn’t recognize the number. Turns out it was from a guy I had a date with once this Summer and after one too many long drawn out phone calls….I ghosted him. I know, I know. It was a douchebag move on my part. He is super nice and not too bad looking, but just not sure enough of himself and I was afraid he would become clingy. I swear, sometimes I have to check in my drawers to make sure I’m really a woman because at times I act like one of those guys your momma warned you about.

It was nice to hear from him and he suggested meeting for coffee at some point. I said sure why not. He followed up immediately by telling me he is off to Three Rivers and will be back next week and will touch base to set up a day and time to meet.

Woah, slow down. You gotta wonder why a guy would come back for more punishment. Did he forget I ghosted him? Not only that, but when I first chatted with him, I had told him that I had already made a connection with someone else and wanted to see if there was any potential . He wished me well and to not hesitate to get back to him if it didn’t work out. I thought that was an incredibly mature thing to say. Or was it?

You know what’s funny about all of this? I woke up this morning, ready to start the year with new goals and to focus on me and my personal growth. The minute I put that intention out there, these texts come in, left right and center.

The best part of today was when my son came over. I prepared a big new year’s day breakfast of pancakes, bacon, frittata and orange juice. We talked for hours and then I introduced him to a free online learning platform I had mentioned a couple times here and there. We had a look at it together and he was all fired up about it. We created his account and now he has goals over the Winter season he wants to pursue. Makes my heart swell with happiness for him.

Thanks for stopping by. See you tomorrow.

Project 2021

Hey Peeps and Peep-ettes! Happy new year!! Oh man, does it ever feel great to have put 2020 behind us. Not that anything has really changed with respect to where the world is at with Covid-19. We are still in the throes of a world wide pandemic. We are still watching the train wreck that is outgoing president of the Unites States do what he does best – create drama. We are still watching systemic racism make headlines every day.

The year 2020 has indeed been a very strange one. It’s like the world had been experiencing birthing pains – a long, hard labor, with no epidural in sight. I am hopeful though, that this painful travail will result in positive change and ease in adapting to a new world.

I know that my little world has undergone so many changes and the stress has been too much. I ended the year on a short term sick leave. My mind and soul were crushed. My sense of security robbed. My realization, once more, that life is not fair and there is no such thing as control or a promise that things will always be good and that we will always be safe. I say once more, because the first time I was introduced to this feeling was when I was 16 and my father passed away from lung cancer.

Did you make the most of this time of self isolation? Or did you keep yourself so busy that you did not really notice the bigger picture of the global changes as they unfolded? I know I didn’t make the most of this time at all. I feel like I’ve been on “pause” since March 2020 with my mind always in a fog.

This morning felt different, though. I woke up and had an epiphany as to what I want to focus on this year. That being said, I’m officially launching what I call Project 2021. I will be posting content every. single. day. until 01 January 2022. I can’t promise it will always be incredibly interesting, but if you feel like indulging your inner snoop, my entries will be like reading someone’s personal journal.

That being said, the adventure begins!

Wishing you all a very blessed and happy new year filled with health, prosperity and love.

Chrissie B

It’s Official, I’ve Hit A Wall

Hola Peeps and Peep-ettes. Well, it has finally happened. Yours truly has hit a wall. Not literally, but figuratively speaking. My mental health took a nose dive and I am officially on sick leave and slated to return to work on 04 January 2021.

To say that 2020 has been life altering is probably the biggest understatement of a lifetime. I know I’m not the only one who this has affected. All things considered, I have had it easy-ish compared to some. I didn’t lose my job and bought my first home by myself.

So what’s the problem? I am not sure, exactly. I think it’s a combination of a lot of things over many years and now that we are in isolation mode, it has all resurfaced.

Other things that have contributed to the breakdown were the move. It was physically and mentally difficult, with little help. I was also constantly second guessing myself if purchasing alone was a smart move. The location was also a bit of a nail biter. I moved back to the suburbs near where I grew up. The place I swore I’d never return to.

Work – the uncertainty of whether or not I would still have a job in 2021 due to the acquisition last year has been looming in the back of my mind. Also, my boss rides a broomstick on any given day. She can be so curt and rude in her email messages. I have always felt she does not like really like me all that much. She keeps me pretty much isolated and I only hear from her when she has something to criticize me about. Communication in that place is so spotty and honestly, it’s pretty disorganized.

I didn’t realize how bad I was feeling until I started feeling better. My anxiety was off the charts. I’d basically wake up each morning, march right to the bathroom and dry heave before starting my day. Then there was the IBS. I was a mess. I lost 5 pounds in a week, wasn’t sleeping and was sinking deeper into a depressed state of mind. I lost interest in all things that used to give me joy. The fact that we are in round 2 of the lockdown didn’t help. Can’t go to the gym, can’t have people over, can’t go out to dinner, can’t go out for a coffee.

Those stupid masks…God I hate them. They freak me out after a while. I feel like I’m living in some strange George Orwell nightmare.

I am looking forward to going back to work and being productive again. I do worry that my boss will give me a hard time, though. I just wish we were all back at the office where we can just walk down the hall to ask a question and see our colleagues face to face once more.

Brighter news…..the vaccine has arrived in Montreal last night I really hope it bring a sooner rather than later end to this pandemic.

Fingers crossed.

It’s Not Going To Work Out Between Us And Here’s Why. Scenario #4.

Johnnie. Need I say more? A grown man calling himself Johnnie. I asked if that was his online name or if I should call him John or Johnathan. Nope and Nope.

He was a guy that had rugged good looks and seemed smart enough. We met on Tinder. Yikes, I know, right? What was I thinking? I wasn’t. I took my now ex best friend’s advice. “Isn’t that a hook up site?”, I asked. “No, no, it has changed”.

No, no it hasn’t. We planned to meet and spend the afternoon outdoors and just walk around the mega shopping complex out here.

You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? I should have listened to my gut. When he got out of his car, he came right up to me and planted a kiss right on my mouth and was pulling me in waaaay to close.

Johnnie was an IT guy, but I think deep down what he really wanted to be is a hairdresser. Correction a hair-messer. He had his hands in my hair almost the entire time we were together. My hair got really long during the first wave of the pandemic and I’ll admit, it was pretty when I took the time to straighten it. I know guys have this thing with a woman’s locks, but when you don’t know someone, you shouldn’t keep playing in it every other minute. It’s just too familiar. That’s something someone you have a connection will do.

Which is kind of ridiculous of me to say, because I also spent time playing tonsil hockey with him. So, my priorities were kind of messed up, wouldn’t you say? Don’t touch my hair, but feel free to stick your tongue down my throat, dear stranger, during a pandemic. What the hell was wrong with me?

This is not usually how I behave. This pandemic, it’s gotten the best of me. I can only chalk it up to feeling lonely and scared and trying to find my “normal” in all of this .

I think he thought I was going to change my mind and cave, but I didn’t. I think that for a brief moment he actually was pleased that I hadn’t. He called me that same evening to say hello and how much he liked me. We made plans to see each other the following week when he came back from his business trip in Toronto.

He had sent me a text from his Toronto hotel room…in a towel. I complimented him because….I think that’s what I was supposed to do? LOL! Maybe he was waiting for me to return the favor, but I didn’t.

Needless to say, the weekend came and went and I never heard from him.

Oh well. Was I surprised? No. Was I a little dissapointed? Kinda.

Next!