So, as if 2020 hasn’t been enough of a shit show, yours truly has been pretty much actively dating her way through this cluster-fuck pandemic.
I haven’t had this many outdoor play dates since the 3rd grade. Yes, I’m being careful-ish. Except for the time I was not….
Geez, Where do I begin? More importantly, why on earth would I date during a pandemic. Because why the hell not. I figured this is a time when I will see people for who they really are.
You know that old saying “careful what you wish for”…..hooboy…
Let’s start with the first one. We’ll call him “jailbird”, partly for shits ‘n giggles, but mostly because it’s the freaking truth.
We met online and were texting and IM’ing back and for for about 2 weeks. He was a blue collar type, well, not really. More like a work horse in a shit job with a matching salary. What the heck, at least he is working, right?
When I got there, I parked my car in a lot and as my fingers were hovering over the parking pay station, I was trying to decide…hmm…15 minutes….30 minutes. I know the drill by now, these meet and greets are usually a reminder that I could be sitting at home on my deck sipping a cold one and reading a good book. This time though, I figured, Meh, what the hell. I hit “max” and thought whomever shows up here after I leave just got freebie parking. You’re welcome,
Surprisingly, things went really well. He was charming, good conversationalist, interesting chemistry. It was the best first date I’ve had in a while.
He said he was in the military when he was younger. He also said that he had been “inside”. Oh. Apparently he found out the son of a former girlfriend had abused his then six year old son. Long story short, he was arrested for beating the tar out of the guy. Not ideal, but as a parent, I can totally understand. God help anyone who would have dared touch my child inappropriately.
He had biked to our meeting spot straight from work and had a backpack with him. He pulled an extra t-shirt out of it, sprayed it with his cologne and gave it to me so that I could hang on to it until I see him next. Kinda corny but cute, right?
So the next time I saw him, I had to go pick him up because….well….his bike is his only means of transportation. Uhm…what? I can understand living in the city, but we’re in the ‘burbs, folks. Crap, looks like I’m doing all the driving. What a drag.
He gave me some story about having an operation on his arm when overseas and now the Canadian version of the DMV will not issue him a driver’s license unless he has a specialized steering wheel in his non-existent car. Sorry, what was that? I was distracted by the red flags that were starting to pop up in my peripheral vision.
I digress. When I got to the address he gave me, it took him forever to come out. I was about to drive back home when I see him walking towards my car from down the street. WTF? He saw the look on my face and explained it away by saying he was at a friend’s house down the street.
As we were pulling away, he says, and I quote “Oh, did I tell you I’m still on probation?”
I pulled the car over to the side of the road and just stared at him. He had a shit eating grin on his face and gestured for me to keep driving. Woah woah woah.
Apparently he still has one year to go and then he’s free!
How the fuck did this slip his mind when we met earlier this week? I assumed this arrest was from many many many years ago. After all, his son is 24 now and this happened when he was six years of age.
Oh boy. I had a sinking feeling that I was getting a very watered down version of what the deal really was.
So what did I do? I acted like nothing happened. Why? I have no idea. I was paralyzed with fear. He asked me to stop at the drugstore on our way. I waited for him in the parking lot, catatonic. My gut was screaming “Drive like the wind, asshole, and get out of there!” Instead, the polite Canadian in me stayed, because he was so sweet and gentle when we met.
I know, I’m an idiot, no need to remind me. All that was racing through my head was “so this is how I’m going to die”.
I also learned that at one point he went “off the grid”and was living in a container. Oh, is that what we are calling running from the law now? These are assumptions on my part, but I’m pretty sure I’m not far off the mark. I know of a friend’s daughter and her boyfriend did that for a while, so it did not scare me off.
I called things off. Probably not as quickly as I should have, but I called them off nevertheless. I did my best to be open minded, but with each passing day, he would serve up another little nugget of his train wreck of a life.
How can it get worse? In the span of two weeks;
- he got fired.
- he got notice that his “bitch” parole officer falsely claimed he missing a meeting and he is now in violation. He might have to finish his sentence on the inside.
- he can’t use his friend as witness that he did not miss his meeting because surprise surprise, he has a criminal record too.
- he all of a sudden had to move, actually rent a room because he can’t sign a lease. No I did not ask why because I’m really not sure how much more I can handle hearing before someone has to call the medics to resuscitate me.
What the living hell was I thinking? I am chalking it up to pandemic isolation brain. Have I gotten so desperate for company that I would seriously entertain having this clown in my life? I guess I was. Thank God, I listened to my gut, which would churn and I would start physically gagging each time I received a text from him.
Besides, I don’t know how to bake a cake with a file in it, and conjugal visits just aren’t my thing.